The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc

We present to you, the gay marriage loophole.

We, the Educationally Independent, declare the establishment of The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc. (Warning: Reading the name of our profit backwards may cause enlightenment to our cause for greater equality. If you believe people are not created equally, do not read the profit's name backwards.)

THE STORY OF SYAGROF

Our great profit, Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, saw the undeniable truth of equality. Empowered by the Son of Holla, Cheezums Kraist, Syagrof was given the choice of saving or damning all of humanity. As they were judged to be completely equal, Syagrof condemned all of man to a life of mediocrity and unwarranted expectations for betterment. He swallowed existence whole, and defecated the Universe.

OUR MISSION

The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc's purpose is to convince Syagrof of our innate goodness by doing good works. The prophecy states that through good works alone, could we convince the great Syagrof Ygolot Neisc to pick through his own holy feces and redeem man.

HUMAN BASED MEMBERSHIP

In order to join the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, you must find your true love partner of similitude. The criteria for these partners is simple. The pair must be of the same gender, or at least one partner must exist as both genders. Investigations and interviews will be given to all applicants by a pre-existing member.

You and your true love partner or similitude must then take place in the initiation ceremony, or "The Great Mirage." (Please note that in the tongue of the holy Neisc, "i's" are generally pronounced with the English "a.") This is not to be confused with a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. The partner of similitude must be physiologically similar to his or her other.

The ceremony is one that attests that through the love of these two similarly gendered individuals, they are actually one being, but appear as two individuals existing in two separate places through the powers of The Great Mirage. The Church will absolutely never marry a man and a dog. We repeat, there is no reason to fear the Church marrying a man and his dog, any other animal or plant species. This fear may be put to rest.

FINANCIAL INCENTIVES FOR HUMAN MEMBERS. I MEAN CHARITABLE DONATIONS

The initiates must also put forward a completely tax deductible donation
which will be put towards good works. With absolutely no connection to the donation made by the initiates, the Church will then provide the suitable rights for "The Great Mirage." This includes the metallic circular bands of bonding which unite the two, a tiered cylindrical sugary pastry of communion, traditional Neiscian unification garments (for women, generally a long white robe, and for men, a suit or tuxedo is a rough approximation for the Grand Holy Flagoot-Schwindleir), and of course a phono-disc jockey.

Members of the Church can make yearly donations (tax-deductible of course). Being a humble organization, the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc will only accept an amount which is roughly equivalent to what a pair of normal human beings might be able to save by filing their taxes jointly, or perhaps the cost of extending health care coverage to your true love partner of similitude.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF EQUALITY FOR ALL

Now then, in order for a certain demographic of individuals to revoke the powers of this religious institution, several things can happen. They can either revoke the powers of such similar religious institutions such as The Church of Scientology, or they can revoke the first amendment. If they revoke the former, then the world will be a better place. Should they attempt to do the latter, then we can at least simultaneously take away their right to say freely say stupid things on television and peacefully assemble and protest soldiers' funerals.

Of course, this does not attack the underlying issue, that the gay community just wants to be equal. Even though the Church can potentially offer benefits better than those of a traditional marriage, they community in questions does not wish to have different rights at all. They wish to enjoy the same rights as everyone else.

If you, or a loved one has found their true love partner of similitude and would like to join the Church, please write to us. We will now close with the traditional Neiscian prayer.

Our father Syagrof Ygolot Neisc
His name is our name
Our name is his
Better read backwards.

Praise be to Cheezums Kraist.
Praise be to the Son of Holla.
Practice good works.

Our love be one.
Our truth be many.
Our semantics be supreme.

And the timeless chimes of going-on go,
Joani loves Chachi,
Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.

F.A.Q.

1. Will you open the floodgates for man-beast marriages?

No.

2. Why do you insist on being an aberration to God?

These rights are granted by the same doctrine that allows you to spout your supposed moral high ground. If you wish to deny someone's freedom of expression, or in this case, religion, you must deny your own freedom to express your distaste of that expression that was instilled by your own free religion. Why do you insist on wearing white socks with slacks? I mean, really? Someone needs to liberate your fashion taste, girlfriend.

3. Eric, seriously. Are you gay?

No, although once a bi-sexual teenager tried to rape me.

4. Wait. Really?

Yeah. Thank goodness for memory repression, right?

5. Are you okay? When did this happen?

When did what happen?

6. In light of all that, you still support equal marriage rights?

You bet your unmolested ass I do. As the profit Syagrof maintains, we must be completely equal, without any exception. If we are to be saved, then the serial murderers be saved along with the saviors. If one is to be damned, then everyone shall share in his fate. We must have all rights allotted to us, or all have no rights. A man cannot play chess with checkers pieces.

7. What are good things/good works that the Church advocates?

It's a feeling. Start by buying a homeless person a loaf of bread. Use that as a benchmark and then practice, practice, practice.

8. What would you say to those people you are potentially offending by doing good works for people they deem evil or undeserving?

If you want to do good things, but only for those people you deem worthy, then at least half your efforts will be used up determining who is worthy. By deciding who is worthy first, you will not become a practitioner of good works, but a judge of mankind. You will become "better and better" at this judgement until you find fault with everyone and will resort to a very selfish existence. You will have rules, caveats, and exceptions. Your procedures for judgement will become more complicated and case by case trying to determine what is "fair." Like most bloggers and critics of art, these judges tend to be of very little use in the world. Just do good things indiscriminately for everyone. Don't make up your mind before all the facts are laid out before you. Take your time to absorb all the information. The thing about good answers is that they are usually the products of patience and critical thinking.

9. How much did you think about your little Church?

Very little.

Suggesting Anal Sex - A Zero Sum Game

I'm going to teach you about probabilities using anal sex.

Let's start with some basic principles of chemistry and physics. The law of conservation states that matter and energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred from one state to another. Now let's make it real for the wholesome, decent girls. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that all human-societal problems, be they psychological or interpersonal, come in the forms of matter or energy. If you have issues with your father, that father is in the form of quarks and atoms, you perceive him through the exchange of photons, you interact with him using vocal energy (compressed air waves) and various forms of abusive kinetic energy. You cannot create a new father, and you cannot destroy him. Luke Skywalker tried this. Darth Vader got electrocuted and lived on as a ghost. Hamlet went through the same nonsense. Those fathers as an entity are not destroyed, they are converted into another state by which you interact with them. As Obi Wan says to Darth, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

So if you can convert those issues into different states, you must be mindful about what you convert them into. Some can be productive, and some can be less so. Let's start with the less so.

You cannot save your failing relationship by doing all the weird depraved things your boyfriend watches on the Interent. You are simply transferring the discomfort and pain of being involved in a dissatisfying relationship into the discomfort and pain in and around your lubricated rear-end.

There are probably some perverse German and Russian gentleman reading and thinking, "Wait a second. What if they suggested it first? Is it possible that they maybe just like it?" And as far as the gay community goes, "you go girls." You do what you gotta do. The gay community is on average, far more cleanly and hygienic than I am, so perhaps there is that demographic that does derive pleasure out of it.

What say we put a number on that demographic? Let's say that for every gay man who enjoys receiving anal sex, there is a heterosexual woman counter part who receives anal sex. Worldwide, the numbers suggest that somewhere between five, but rarely exceeding ten percent of individuals would identify themselves as gay. There are of course, some outlying surveys and statistics. In the 1950's a man named Kinsey, in the self-named Kinsey Reports, stated that 37% of men have had a homosexual experience. This figure has been debated as it does tend to include child molestation among other things.

Assume that ten percent of the male population is homosexual. By the sheer mechanics of it, we must say that at least half of them probably enjoy anal sex. So by our previous assumption, that for every homosexual male who enjoys anal sex, there exists a heterosexual female who enjoys anal sex, at least half of ten percent of women would find a physiological pleasure in the act.

Another statistic by the Kinsey Report states that 12% of females (in the 1950's mind you) reported to have enjoyed sadomasochistic behaviors. If you split that figure in half (half of the reported being those who enjoy receiving pain, and half of those reported being those who enjoy delivering pain) then you get a roughly equivalent percentage. At least half of ten percent. That means, in very rough statistics, that only about five to eight percent of women would find it fun and dandy for the whole family. Perhaps you, Mr. Perverse German and/or Russian Gentleman, have found that five to eight percent-er. Hats off to you. But please do not misinterpret your anomaly of a partner for the general population.

The general population refers to that area as the place where poo comes from. The general population, if I may speak for the general population (not to disparage the minority, I respect your rights as an American. You are free to do whatever you like. God Bless America.) would prefer to not involve their feces in love making.

Now this all being said in conjecture without any real proof of concept beyond crude math, it would not at all surprise me to find that a greater percentage (higher than five to eight percent) of women participate in anal sex. Let's see if Google has a statistic for that...

Who doesn't love Google?

In 1992, 16% of women surveyed reported having anal sex.
Currently the rates hover between 33-40 percent.

That is much higher than my previously stated figure of those who would be naturally predisposed to enjoying it. If my crappy math would hold any water, (unlike those women's trunk-butts! GOT 'EM!!!) then we might suggest that a certain percentage of sexually active women who participate in anal intercourse, lie on a spectrum ranging from indifferent, to moderately undesired, but convincible.

Wanna put a number to that?

I'm going to be conservative now. (in math terms. Again, this is America. You go girls) Let's say that only 15-20% of women - Lowballing 33% into a flat thirty and deducting the highballed 10% of naturals - 20% of women are, for various reasons and holding numerous dispositions, being "talked into having anal sex." Let me address that 20%:

Hey.

You okay, champ?

You want an ice cream?

You deserve someone who will love you for you. Your father, or that old boyfriend, may not have given you the approval you so desperately wanted, but there is someone out there who will approve of you because you are you.

You are [Your name here].

That is and will be enough for your partner. It should be enough for you too. Now for the tough love bit. There are porn stars who contractually refuse butt stuff. Let's hope you can have an equivalent amount of self-worth as a well paid pornographic actress. You may have come under some hard times in your childhood, but chin up. You got this.

You are Lisa Simpson.

***

Now I would like to address the male population that is doing the talking into.

Hey.

Knock it off.

Those are people.

Go jam a salted cucumber in your butt and see if you like it.

You strike me as the type who is used to getting what they want. You're probably a good talker, a persuader. You're probably pretty successful. This is the twenty-first century, and I'm sure you are forward thinking. Why don't you just buy a whore? Why not put that mind to good use, and hire someone to make a porno of you. I'm sure your narcissistic ass-loving ass would love to make some money off of that. And then at least you'll be helping some girl (who would on a probability scale be more likely to enjoy something like that) pay her rent.

***

Finally, I'd like to address the curious German/Russian teenager who is trying to do research on how to suggest anal sex to their girlfriend. (LIKE HOW I SEO'D YOUR ASS?!?!?)

Life is not like porn.
You are going to get poo on your dick.
Unless you are going to pay for your girlfriend's enema,
or being European, you probably have healthcare, so
unless you are going to make your mom and dad's tax dollars pay for
your girlfriend's enema,
you are going to get poo on your dick.
After about twenty minutes of unsuccessful cramming,
you will lose wood
she will have a bloody butt
and you will have poo
all over your dick.
You will have flecks of dingleberries in your bush
for days.

And I think that about covers it.
With poo.
On your dick.

***

A fun thought game. Don't worry if you don't get this, more pigeons understand this concept than humans. (true story!)

Say we're playing a game.
The rules of the game are such.

Monty shows you three women.
Statistically, you know one of these women will participate in anal sex, and Monty knows which one it is.

You choose a number, let's say number one.

That gives you a one in three chance of being right.

Then Monty will pick a second girl, (let's say number two) who definitely does not have anal sex. See what I did there? Number two? Get it?

This leaves options one and three.

Monty then let's you decide whether or not you would like to change your selection.

What do you do?

Many individuals would tell you to stick to your gut, that your instinct is usually right and that you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right. Rehashing the tips you got for the SATs.

Those people are wrong.

Under these conditions, you will always have a two-thirds chance of "winning" if you switch from one to three.

Let me explain.

When you chose number one, you had a one in three shot of being right.

That means the two thirds probability is then slotted between the other two numbers.

However the second condition is that Monty will then choose a number that is NOT the butt-sexer. That means that Monty's choice has a zero in three chance of being the right choice.

That means the final and entire two thirds must be allocated to the third option.

So, if you change your mind every time, you will only lose in the instances in which you made the correct selection first, which only happens one in three times.

And that's how you use anal sex to teach kids about moderately complex probabilities.

Lesson Eight: Silent Deviance

Deviance, in terms sociological terms, is the behaviors of an individual or minority which are generally disapproved of by society at large. The most common examples that present themselves are crimes. However, while all crimes consist of deviance, not all deviance constitute crime. It is in fact possible, to have an anomie of altruism. Examine the theory of anomie, the supposed "normlessness" and isolation of a subculture which erodes the norms of society, not in the negative, but in the positive. In recent American history, the Civil Rights movement was a form of minority (no pun intended) dissent which gave way for a positive social change.

It is important to differentiate altruistic deviance and anomie from a political cause and/or platform. Whereas the concept of a government like democracy may have arisen from an altruistic anomie in a monarchy, the democratic platforms of liberalism and conservatism are individual philosophies within the government entity which propose a certain method on how to carry out the initial ideal. To put it in childlike imagery: Do not pull left and right, but move forward. It would be unrealistic to expect the individual to conduct a Civil Rights movement caliber endeavor. Those things take time and coordination. However, there are things we can do as individuals on an everyday basis.

The next time you and your family are having a picnic and your parents get in a fight with your little brother about politics, do not waste your time picking sides or trying to sway one person to one school of thought. These battles of ideals accomplish nothing, but create tensions and rifts amongst those with which you must unite with. If you see your friends start to debate about the debt ceiling, or the sequester, be silent, get up, find a cigarette butt or two on the ground, and throw it away. It is not constructive to argue with someone regarding the merits of their personal philosophies on how to help the general public. Best case scenario is you win. You convince them that the ideals they hold are meaningless. You convince them that their philosophy on how to help people doesn't work, can't work, and shouldn't be tried. You convince them that doing nothing would be more help to society, then doing what they think is right.

Allow a Republican or Libertarian teach others about personal responsibility. As it is their passion, they will have the most convincing arguments about how and why an individual should be personally responsible. For the same reason, let a Democrat or Socialist teach others about taking care of others. Both ideas are essential, and it is as pointless to argue which is better as it is to argue whether red is better than blue.

One should also be aware, that arguing that one should not argue about politics in the midst of a political argument, is arguing. Do not quote this at the dinner table. Just shut up, and clear the dishes. Sort the compost from the recycling from the waste. Your silence in action will speak louder than any rhetoric.

Drones, and the Alien Abduction of Michelle Obama

My uncle makes weapons. Crazy weapons. Sometimes I think he's pulling my leg, and other times I'm not so sure. Sometimes it seems crazy enough to work. Here is one of those stories:

According to my uncle, there is exists the capability to link certain types of missiles, or in other cases, UAVs (unmanned arial vehicles) together such that one remote location can control multiple units. These drones can shoot a missile into a window-sized hole from several miles away. These are the drones you've heard about on the news, and the ones that have everyone running scared. But from what I've been told, the unmanned missiles don't necessarily have to even see a window to find a target. Granted there are other obvious ways around visual obstructions such as heat vision and what have you. It's the what-have-you's that peak my interest. The system my uncle told me about was an audio based system. It's actually pretty cool. Each missile (or maybe it's a drone, who knows) is equipped with a highly sensitive microphone that listens to things happening on the ground. More specifically, these microphones are programmed to listen for the sounds of engines and the sounds those engines make on various terrain. For example, the person on the computer could say, "I'm looking for a six-cylinder truck or SUV driving on sand." The program then scans the area the UAV is in and reports back, "Okay, there are two in this area, one here, and another one there." Or if you wanted, you could ask, "I'm looking for a tank engine on pavement." It would then not only report back locations X, Y and Z, but it would store and track that information as you made your next decision. Now, say you have about thirty of these things flying around, all networked together. You could then say, I want ten missiles on X, five on Y, five on Z, and the rest can stay in observance for anything else that might come try to help. Bombs away.

Leaving President Obama's new drone policy at the door for the moment, let's take a look at the ethical ramifications of just that scenario previously described. What we have is one man, or maybe a small team of CIA operatives in Virginia, God knows how many miles away from the actual target, unleashing a technical storm of doom upon some enemy combatants armed with Jeeps and rifles from the 1960's. Notice how we call these people enemy combatants, instead of combatants of war in our war on terror? The late Bill Hicks had a comment on this. Mr. Hicks would say that to have a war, "You need two armies. Two. See the difference?" A situation like this can't really be called a battlefield, because there is no real battle. In one minute, there are some very angry non-Americans, and the next minute there are none. A battle implies a fight takes place.

Let's examine the benefits of this kind of weaponry. Clearly, it gives us the upper hand in any sort of military conflict. Superior firepower was never anything to scoff at. It keeps soldiers from battle, and they stay relatively safe. A UAV is much lighter and more efficient to fly than a piloted aircraft. You also don't have to train an expensive, error prone, heavy pilot. If one gets shot down, there is no letter sent home, and no tears shed. These drones can be used for information gathering without risking the lives of pilots, and there are other non-military uses for them as well. Most of them are security involved, but geophysical surveys are generally conducted by drones these days.

I'm going to put on my utilitarian cap for a moment for this next part. Using UAVs reduces the number of civilian casualties in combat. The reports suggest that in certain, more unfortunate drone strikes, many more civilians are killed than enemy combatants. Some studies suggest that the ratio is 10 to 1, another suggests that two thirds killed are enemy combatants. Recently, there was a drone strike in Pakistan that led to the death of eight German tourists. This figure, while tragic, should be taken in perspective of older conventional weaponry used in the 20th century. During World War 2, if an army thought a person of interest was in a specific town, they would bomb and burn down the entire town. If we take a look at the German blitz, or the firebombing of Dresden, we see a much different strategy. In lack of accuracy, go for surface area. Burn the whole thing. The firebombing of Dresden resulted in twenty-five thousand deaths according to official reports, although some German studies reported figures between one and two hundred thousand casualties, mostly civilian. There is something to be said for the fact that we can at least now contain the destructive power of our weaponry to say a building or two.

The usage of drones removes us from combat, not only physically, but mentally as well. People controlling these drones probably won't go through some of the mental anguish that our Vietnam veterans suffered. If instead of having to walk into a complex and plant explosives, or murder everyone inside, you can do it from behind a screen with a little crosshair, you're essentially just playing Call of Duty. Although terrifying to say it, a child could do it. This can be seen as a good thing, or a bad thing. It trivializes the death of another human being by framing it in the same way a child plays Resident Evil. In the old wars, if you shot or stabbed a man, he was right there in front of you as he bled to death. Soldiers had to walk through the destruction they caused. They had to smell rotting flesh. They had to dig graves. Looking at those same people as glowing infared splotches in a crosshair, and then incinerating them with a hellfire missile removes this aspect of combat. Again, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does this make killing too easy? Does it remove, or perhaps heavily dampen, the consequence of guilt a human being SHOULD feel from having taken a life?

In moving our military capabilities more towards UAVs, we stop making war or combat a matter of us vs. them. It is about choosing who is next to die. It is no longer a question of self-defense, because there is no risk of personal harm to the remote pilot in Langley. There isn't even a real risk of harm to the drone. From four miles up and flying at hundreds of miles an hour, no firearm could feasibly hit a passing drone. If you recall the scenario presented at the beginning, these systems can listen for tank engines on gravel, sand, jungle growth etc. An enemy tank in the Middle East poses no threat to American soil. Yes, technically our bases and embassies could be at risk, but would that logic not also grant a foreign nation the right to send a missile of their own at an American armed force for being near their embassy?

The problem facing us as the American public is that there are so many unanswered,and some unanswerable questions.

If we have the technological and espionage based know-how to build strong cases against enemies; enough information to prove a person guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt; enough information to forgo a fair trial and jump straight to the execution. If we have the ability to locate these people and track them half-way across the world - Do we need to kill them? Is the information at hand not enough? If we know who they are, where they are, down to the room in which they are staying, how much of a threat do they really pose? (The guy hiding in a cave doesn't seem to stand much of a chance against an army of flying death robots. Some might argue that they purport dangerous and extreme, radical ideas. They may argue this, but are doing so in defense of a nation that believes in the freedom of speech.)

These questions would not be considered valid to anyone charged with defending the nation because they could not test these propositions without inviting the potential perceived risk of harm to our country. It is the position taken by the FBI when they attack home-grown terrorists. If you are unfamiliar with these situations I will provide you a brief rundown. Basically, an undercover agent will approach a person suspected of being radical, or prone to undertake terrorist activities. The agent, disguised as a fellow militant, will offer to provide the suspect with money and equipment to pull out a terrorist attack. They will make up a fake plan to blow up a building, and then the agent will hand the suspect a cell phone and saying something to the effect of, "if you dial three and press send, the bomb will go off." When the suspect presses the button, another FBI agent answers on the other line and arrests the suspect. There have been controversies over this tactic being entrapment. However, like the question posed above, whether or not the suspect would or wouldn't have actually carried out a terrorist plot, whether or not they posed a real threat to Americans living in America, a person charged with the defense of a nation can't really take that risk.

But there are other issues regarding the lives of truly innocent people who happen to coincidentally be around truly dangerous militants. Bystanders. How are civilians of a nation in conflict to know if they are in a military state, or a danger zone, if there are no more soldiers on the ground? With soldiers on the ground, they would at least know they were on lockdown, and that they were being scrutinized. If a drone were about to strike, would there be soldiers on the ground trying to clear civilizans from the area, or would that be considered a compromise of the mission at hand? I find it highly unlikely that moments before a hellfire missile comes flying through the window, Barack Obama calls the terrorist up and says, "Now let me be clear, I have a drone flying overhead. If I say Oxford Tango Yellow Three, under the powers granted to me by the executive branch, you will cease to exist. Surrender and you will live as a prisoner of war under the conditions of the Geneva Convention, please and thank you." I find it more likely that there is a list of targets, a cavalcade of eyes on the floor identifying and locating those on the list, and then a very bright light, a loud kaboom, and the feint smell of burning jerky.

Here is a distinction. America was more or less okay with the atomic bomb, a much more devestating weapon, because we trusted our government to do the right thing, and to never use it without dire need and a good cause. In that utilitarian sense, we did it to end the war quickly. It was a time where people still believed in the idea of rallying together for a great cause like democracy and freedom. Today, we have such little faith in government. Not only do UAVs represent a terrifying next step in military capabilities, but it also signifies the ever expanding reach of espionage equipment. It's not just that these things can evaporate us from miles away, but that they can watch, listen and evaporate us all at once. The atom bomb was pure death. Where it went, people died. A drone evaluates its target first. It tells the world that by its judgment of your nationality and political values, you may or may not have the right to live in the land of the free. The atomic bomb gave us assurance that conflict was near an end. The drone feeds into the paranoia that it will never end.

Let's take that utilitarian cap off now. The weaponized UAV makes a wrong choice easier to make. Killing is wrong. If these terrorist cells are the criminals our government says they are, then according to the foundations of our own justice system, not only does the burden of proof lay on the prosecution, but that the criminal is entitled to a fair trial. We are denying a trial for these individuals. Now, it is completely understandable that these are supposedly dangerous people who would not be taken to court willingly, and capture may not be an option. Its understandable that some Americans have different role models and heroes than other Americans. Some like Bruce Willis. Some like action movies. However, Clint Eastwood is not everyone's role model. Some do not look up to Steven Segal. The individuals some see as role models were those who made change through non-violent measures, and died asserting those non-violent measures. Martin Luther King Jr., John Lennon, Ghandi were cool absolutely, but Jesus was basically an X-man. Jesus had superpowers. They may have died, but they made lasting change. George Bush is still alive, and Muslim extremists still hate us a whole lot.

In regards to President Obama's drone policy, it isn't a matter of him misinforming the public to pass the Patiot Act. It is a matter of the administration choosing to not inform the public at all. Let's not get bogged down in trying to decide which is worse, because they are both deontologically inexcusable. A lie of omission is a lie. A lie is a lie. Killing people is killing people.

Funny thing: With just a touch of mental jiujitsu, Barack Obama technically has the right to hellfire missile any employee of HSBC. How? Well, the Patriot Act would absolutely classify a person embezzling money for terrorists as an enemy combatant. Barack Obama can hellfire missile an enemy combatant. HSBC embezzled money for terrorists. Barack Obama can technically hellfire missile employees of HSBC. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll be just fine. This is of course all just fun with the transitive property of equality. You know: Math.

It just doesn't seem logically viable that you could create peace through violence, no matter how contained that violence is. We could get the the technological point where we release a robotic bee, it flies into Afghanistan and drills its way into a terrorists head, but there will still be conflict. There will still be outrage.

Imagine if you will, that incredibly advanced aliens invade the United States. They have lasers that outmatch any weapon we have. They can disarm our weapons from space. They claim to be here in our best interest, but come armed. Their beloved leader says to us, "Americans are using too much oil, and the planet cannot be sustained. We are here to liberate you from your addiction. If you use oil in any way, we will kill you because you are an agent of eco-terrorism. To make an example, and to show you that we see you as all equal, we will now hang Michelle Obama for using too much aerosol based sprays and hair straightener." Elmo would strap himself to a C4 jacket and jihad those alien bastards. If another entity were to come to America and said there was something fundamentally wrong with the way our society functioned, aka the car, we would be incredibly resistant to that idea. Even if the aliens used a good set of values to justify killing the first lady, the act of violence would invalidate any rhetorical argument that organization of aliens would set forth. We would only rememeber the violence.

Following Rules

There exists a dilemma in governing. In the age of the Cold War between good ol' American freedom and the Communists, it was commonly expressed that Communism, while a nice ideal, was atrocious in practice. It led to corruption amongst the empowered and laziness within the proletariate. Socialism lost a lot of steam through the Germans, and today we are in the midst of the erosion of faith in unhinged capitalistic greed. It would seem then, that from these examples, there exists no form of government, no philosophy or code of ethics, that is free from corruption and abuse. As stated in previous installments, the ideals behind the Christian church institutions - noble and beautiful as they are - have been overshadowed by the abhorrent acts committed by those in the high command within the institution.

The rules and guidelines set by these philosophies of capitalism, socialism and communism cannot be judged as the impetus which creates corruption, but that corrupt agents acting within the system, abuse and erode the moral fibre which the initial institutors intended. The guidelines are tools to be used, roads to be traversed, for an assumed decent general population to act within to ensure prosperity. Knowing that a system that sets forth a list of rules could be corrupted, the philosophy is always amended by a justice system - another set of rules and philosophies to administer reparations.

However, as we have just learned from the HSBC debacle in which the U.S government chose to not pursue criminal charges against a bank accused of moving funds for terrorist organizations and drug cartels, (instead opting for a superficial, mostly ceremonial fine of a few months profit) the system of justice can be abused as well.

The rules then, are tools to be used. How one uses that tool is open to interpretation. Take a hammer for instance. A hammer can be used to construct something, or it can be used to destroy something. A screwdriver can be used to make something more sturdy, or it can be used to stab someone in the eye. A woodchopper can be used to clear debris from a tree fallen on a road, or can be used to dispose of state's witnesses and other assorted minions from Jackie Chan films.

When a person violates a rule, they are to be punished. The rule would allow an avenging party to commit acts against the guilty party, that they (being ideally, perfectly good citizens) would normally not commit. If I may be perfectly honest, I find rules to be absolutely ridiculous. A good person needs no rules because they will be considerate enough to not allow their actions to negatively effect others. A bad person will not consider rules that will obstruct their means, and use rules in their favor to further exploit other law-abiding citizens. By this logic, rules then are ideally designed to guide those "middle-grounders" who have yet to make up their mind, again ideally, towards a life of goodness and morality. However, those agents who wish to sway the "middle-grounder in question" may be themselves moral or immoral people, who will use guidelines to suit their own needs. While it is easy to see how a moral individual can use guidelines like the outlaw of murder to convince someone not to kill, it may be more difficult for one to show how those rules can be used to encourage someone to kill. Allow me to demonstrate: It is simply a matter of pointing out the hypocrisy in a governing nation's attempt to ban murder or (for the sake of contemporary issues) assault weapons. In pointing out the hypocrisy of the governing entity, the rule then can be dismissed as an agent of the hypocritical entity. This is how angry atheists tend to belittle those of faith.

Watch out, here come some high flying semantics...

Is it not ridiculous that Americans be given the right to bear arms, but that the government try to keep their arms at a consistently higher caliber? Is this not effectively disarming the public? I may say, "You can have a knife, but only I can carry a sword," to which you may disagree, but how heartily can you disagree when I am the one with the sword? If we are not to kill, then why is it that the government is allowed to deploy the army to kill? If you were to join the army and then slaughter a village in the name of patriotism, would you not be awarded some medal of valor? What makes a casualty of "extended-military-conflict" different from a casualty of war, or a murder victim? Consider for a moment the drone program. Is it not enough that we as a public can be drone-stricken at any moment, but that we must also not be allowed to fire more than ten bullets in a row?

Please keep in mind, that these are all stupid arguments only capable of swaying faulty-minded utilitarians, and those who already wish to break the rule in question. In no way do I believe any of the arguments I have just presented, I simply wish to demonstrate how one might use the hypocrisy of rules with a splash of semantics to encourage one to disregard the rule of law, using the rules in law. Killing is wrong. Murder is murder. I love Barack Obama and all his crazy ass death drones. See the first installment for more.

What we need is not more rules and punishments, but to cultivate within ourselves a trust in our Jimminy Crickets. Mr. Cricket, in the real world, is a much more vengeful spirit. We are all outraged by injustices. If you were to go out on a Saturday night and you saw an abrasive, drunk man push his wife or girlfriend to the pavement, most of us would experience a blood crawling urge to push that man back. However, it is the general rule, that the police are the party responsible for that abusive man's actions, and therefore any interference on your part is an obstruction of that justice. This is reality, and it is stupid. The police never arrive in time. The police may even be there, and choose to do nothing.

Story time: Once upon a time, I was walking home with my friend Tim. A small Asian man named Irwin punched me in the face while walking across the street. He then proceeded to throw his friends, who happened to be tiny Asian girls to the ground. (Let's overlook the part where a group of four Asian girls tried to defend my honor) As this is happening, a patrol car drives by. They did not stop. They flashed their lights and said through the megaphone, "Get out of the road." Then they drove on.

In respect to the area in which we live: The Bay Area is probably one of the greatest places in the world. However, it does contain some of the highest unsolved murder rates in the nation. We cannot rely solely on the police department to protect us in a time of threat. This is not an advocacy for gun ownership. Guns are silly. This is an advocacy for acting on that natural instinct to defend goodness itself. It is a power that seems to take very little energy, yet projects an incredible effect.

Story time: I knew a girl named Crystal. Several years ago, we were walking around town, and a guy cat called her from his truck. She was mid-sentence, and I wasn't entirely sure what was said to her (although from the tone, I could infer the gist). With no effort at all - the kind of reaction that takes place when you tap the knee with a joint hammer - she flung her whole body around and screamed at the guy that he could not talk to her in that way. It was an explosion that took me, and half the block off guard. I could feel the volume of her retort in the back of my spine.

These kinds of angry outbursts are, in hindsight, viewed as forms of courage. In another instance I was recently informed of, a good friend of mine was standing in line for coffee while a dissatisfied patron was verbally abusing the barista. Partially out of hunger, but mostly out of disgust for the treatment of the barista, my good friend Ellen not only stood up for the barista, but verbally accosted the dissatisfied patron back. Like Crystal, this action of verbal outburst, in this context, is an act of courage. It is an act of defense for something noble, whether it be dignity for a fellow human being, or the dignity of one's self. It would in fact seem, from my own personal experience, that withholding these kinds of defenses and calls to action, exhibit a greater amount of energy. It takes more out of a person to hold their tongue, and to allow an injustice to pass by.

In a similar respect, if a person were to intervene on behalf of the wife having been pushed to the pavement by her husband, they would be seen as a courageous individual defending someone from harm. There would be little to no public backlash if that individual were to administer a severe blow to the head, a blast of pepper-spray, or the shock of a taser. It was in the name of defending a helpless individual.

Conversely however, if the perpetrator had already been incapacitated, or offered no further resistance, and that force was re-applied, then it moves from an act of retribution and defense, and moves into the realms of grim indulgence in violence. There is the reality of individuals who join certain branches of the military with the sole intention of finding a legal means of exercising death. This kind of violence, even if administered against a heinous criminal, is wrong for it is done for the wrong reason. Yes, we should enjoy our work, but in dealing with justice, one must enjoy justice, not administering punishment. In regards to the abuses in Abu Grahib, the offensive components of the photographs came not from the strange stress positions the prisoners were put in, but from the perceived enjoyment the personal seemed to receive from administering that punishment. We as a public were well aware that far worse forms of torture and prisoner abuse had been in practice through the reports from Guantanamo Bay, and while there were no pictures, it would still seem as though that most of the offense could be attributed to the fact that the military police seemed to so enjoy the humiliation of the inmates.

There is no lesson attached to this segment. Good people will follow rules because they are good people. Bad people will break the rules because they don't really care. True "middle-grounders" will not be swayed towards morality or its opposite by the rules themselves, but by the agents which present a convincing enough rhetoric or life experience. There is no perfect government, because a government is a mechanism operated by its imperfect users. It is not the external tool we must try to perfect, but the agent and internal operator who must improve.

Lesson Seven: Fear No Evil

Evil is nothing.
It is how a victim perceives an aggressor's confusion.

What can evil do,
but threaten you will death?
What can evil do,
but liberate you from its immediate presence?

Evil is nothing.
It lacks the conviction of many, and generally only concerns one
maybe two.

Is it not sad,
one who cannot be satisfied?
Is it not pitiable,
when those he deems unworthy
slowly slip away?

Evil is nothing.
It is not a force to be reckoned with but a void worth filling
for hope's sake.

How To Save The World

People are wonderful things. Nothing is more precious than the life of a baby. However, there are far too many babies. Humanity has reached and passed the point of diminishing returns in regards to population, and this has posed many potentially catastrophic dilemmas. It comes down to an issue of resources, and an issue of greed. Currently, we still have enough for everyone, but suffer from the issue of certain demographics wanting way more than they need at the expense of others. In a highly narcissistic light, this can be viewed as a method of population control, but it is an unsatisfactory, ineffective and morally objectionable method. The wealthiest nation on Earth, these here United States, is home to about fifty million families who struggle with hunger. This is also a nation that sports a television program called Man Vs. Food, so as we can see, there is a strange dichotomy.

This issue of greed will be made obsolete once we add a few billion more people to the pot. Eventually, through sheer public outrage, those people who have it all will be dragged into the streets and hanged or eaten. Not only has this been a proven aspect of history through instances like the French Revolution, but they did it in Batman also.

That does not solve the actual resource issue, it only delays it slightly. We will still have the predicament of having way too many people to feed, and far too many gas tanks to fill. As we approach that unsustainable number of people, our most ingenious minds will concoct highly imaginative methods of feeding the masses. From this insatiable desire comes the fall of mankind. If we turn on the television that brought us such fine programming like Man Vs. Food, you may have noticed a trend in the exotic food industry that is leaning towards insects as delicacy. Eating beetles in a mainstay in other parts of the world, and let it be known that in China you can get a scorpion kebab as street food. On our own home front, there are restaurants in New York and other metropoli in which you will be served your meals in complete darkness; at the end of said meal it is revealed that you just ate crickets with your salad. Even in our own Bay Area, there are institutions in which you can order mealworm ice cream. The point being: people are beginning to catch on that insects are not only a rich source of protein, but that they are plentiful and less objectionable than eating rats and pigeons.

As the world nears its end, we will notice the consumption of insects as becoming a more common and acceptable thing. They will be sold in bags, roasted and lightly salted, or barbecue flavored and all will be fine and dandy for a short time. In the process, we will also inevitably create a booming insect industry, and before you know it, ants will receive the same government subsidies as corn and soy. Jobs will be created. New fast food chains will sprout up. Bugs will be the new lobster with garlic butter.

But this is America. We like things big. We want a bug burger that is just one giant bug on a bun, topped with bacon, avocado and three kinds of cheese. Thus begins the Genius Genetic Engineer's quest to create a giant, delicious bug that can be fed corn an soy bi-products, or in an ideal sense, feed off of landfill findings. That engineer will make one crucial error. Instead of engineering a bug that will eat corn, soy and garbage first, and then work on making it bigger and bigger, the engineer will focus on making many different, existing, species of bugs gigantic, then see which one tastes the best, and finally they will see how they can get it to eat garbage. It was an oversight a lot of people would make - bugs live in garbage, so they must already eat garbage. They're bugs.

The catastrophic result: America creates an armada of massive insects that are completely unmanageable. At first the defense industry thinks its a miraculous mistake. They take hoards of guitar sized ants and deploy them on our enemies, but this is a shallow victory. America's original intent was clearing a government so that we could exploit their resources, but the giant bugs ate those resources - and multiplied! Within a few years, the world has become overrun by giant flying bugs of all varieties: Bees the size of cars, ants as big as the bees, and mealworms as long as a double bus.

In a panic, the U.S government decides to make supersize predators to deal with the insect armada. Giant spiders were the first thought, but then after rewatching the David Arquette movie regarding the subject they move on to lizards, somehow forgetting the Japanese film genre that deals specifically with the issue of gigantic reptilians.

If you've ever read the butter-side up Dr. Seuss book, it is fairly easy to predict what happens here. Dinosaurs. The great circle of life comes to fruition, and the dinosaur roams the Earth once more, feasting on massive mealworms and the last remaining Americans.

Pretty terrifying huh?
Do you want to prevent the second coming of dinosaurs?
It will take a lot of work, and a lot of "little things" that can be addressed in your everyday life.
First things first, stop fucking so much.
Secondly, and more importantly, we need to take better care of the planet. Outside of the advice repeatable from having watched Al Gore's movie, the Educationally Independent has little to offer on Earth saving knowledge. For more, we will turn the reigns over to our good friend from college, an inhabitant of Park City, Utah, and overall upstanding citizen: Heleena Sideris


Heleena is (ready for a vowel based nickname?) Engaging in Environmental Endeavors Actively. For those of you who haven't figured out the little name generating game, your first name is stripped of its consonants, and an acronym is created out of the remaining vowels, which is based on some aspect of your personality. EEEA - which is also the sound of joy most people make when they meet Ms. Sideris - recently related some of her experiences from traveling to a landfill in Costa Rica. There, she encountered not only mountains of garbage, but actual "buzos," which after some crude research, the Educationally Independent shall define as, dump folk. These dump folk somehow manage to make a living out of sifting through trash, much like Charlie Kelly and Frank Reynolds from the television show "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." While is it commendable that these people have managed to survive off of refuse, effectively becoming an organic recycling system, much can be said about our present mindset that has allowed for the creation of so many landfills, and migrating oceanic garbage islands.

According to the EPA's website, there are currently twenty-four hundred landfills in the United States currently operating, or recently decommissioned, as well as five hundred additional landfills which are being used to harness natural gasses. However, in regards to years past, other random Yahoo Answer searches claim that the total number, active and otherwise, is around ten thousand.

EEEA provided a few incredibly helpful tips in the conservation effort that can help reduce your daily output of stupid, plastic bullshit.

1. Bring tupperware to restaurants for leftovers.
This is a brilliant one. Not only can you save food, reduce the usage of styrofoam, and refrain from saying, "You know a starving kid in China would be really grateful for that food," (which is funny because in China they're starting to say, "You know an overweight yet starving American would really appreciate that food.") but we can also stop people from making, and subsequently saying "shrinky-dinks," which is quite possibly the most irritating combination of phonetics available to the human tongue - unless of course, it is some hyper-nostalgic individual who will say, "Hey, remember when you could use number 6 plastic styrofoam containers to make shrinky-dinks?" We must all make sacrifices.

2. Buy things in bulk to reduce overall plastic usage.
A side-story: There is a new Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant in San Francisco. In a traditional Chinese bakery, all the delicious buns are kept behind a glass window, and the patrons place the order, which is packaged in a pink cardboard box, and tied together with pink plastic twine. In this new establishment however, they seem to find it necessary to plastic wrap each individual bun. In this way, they can have a side-walk display, where all the old Chinese ladies can pick their own pastries and rest assured that the sixty cent food item will keep much longer. This is how you corner the Chinese market - cheap food that lasts a long time. There is an orange in my refrigerator from November that is still perfectly fine. God help us. ***Update!!! These individually wrapped plastic pork buns are actually incredibly unsafe to eat, and should be avoided at all cost. I don't know where it is, so just stay out of Chinatown unless you have an experienced guide. -E.I *** Old Chinese women are also incredibly frightened by Al Gore, and so have little awareness of the environmental issues of today. In order to reduce the usage of plastic from this demographic, San Francisco had to speak the language of old Chinese women. They implemented a ten cent charge for any bag rendered in a grocery store. Now, they all have their own carts and tote bags.

3. Reuse plastic bags. (With the natural exception of those used to pick up pet feces)
This includes things like zip-lock bags. There is no shame in washing a zip-lock bag. The only thing that can happen is your next lunch may taste a little bit like your last lunch. Bacon-flavored anything is a bonus, so really, you're welcome.

Thanks Heleena.

In addition to these clever Earth saving measures, there is another that is not explicitly an environmental philosophy, but a life philosophy passed down by ancient Chinese wisdom. Live simply. It is impossible to phrase this more perfectly than the Tao te Ching. For life changing reading, go here:

http://www.wright-house.com/religions/taoism/tao-te-ching.html

(While I personally find this to be the most amazing thing ever, I do struggle to remember the teachings on a daily basis.)



The benefits of a simple life go beyond the overall planetary benefit. There exists that friend group, or neighborhood association, who seem insistent on constant competition with one another. Who has a bigger wine cellar, a whiter staff of house-help, a more German sedan, a higher number and grander quality of children? Do all the kids have iPhones? Are your wife's fake tits perkier, firmer, even? Can your watch function at a deeper sea level? Is your house fully covered in wi-fi? Is your keyboard and mouse wireless? Is your TV wireless? Is your home-phone wireless? Is every member of your family more bombarded with various bands and frequencies of wireless energies than the Thompsons? Is that weird buzzing feeling you get in your thigh when you don't have your phone on you, but it feels like you're getting a text message, more buzzy?

Life becomes so much easier, so incredibly stress free, when you can look out your window at your neighbor re-waxwing his BMW and think, "I don't fucking care to impress that individual. I don't care to work harder in order to make someone I don't care for, jealous of the things I don't want or need. I don't feel like expending the energy of putting on a fake smile, concocting some nonsense excuse to go over to their house, and flaunt the stupid things I don't want or need. I don't care if my computer is more than four years old. I don't care if my phone can't make light-saber noises. I don't care if my car seat doesn't warm my ass and massage my back. All I want out of my day is for my clothes to match the weather, my meals to quench my cravings, my company to be enjoyable, and for my poops to not hurt too much. Everything else is bullshit."

The day we realize that those friends we feel the need to materially compete against aren't really great friends, will be a very good day. The day we realize that the novelty and endless entertainment we find in our computers and the internet does not come from the devices themselves, but the people - their imaginations, and dreams, compounded and digitized - behind the veil, that we value. You do not love the Call of Duty disc. You love the community discovered in the multi-player, and the atmosphere created by the artist. You do not love the plastic head-set, but the capability of coordinating with a kid in Wisconson at three in the morning who is so dedicated to your squad that he is absolutely going to - with great irony - fail a history class on World War Two.

Lesson Six: STAY ALIVE!!!

While we should aspire for the ideal of perfection, we must also be prepared for the reality of fault and failure. When we make mistakes, it is important to not be beaten down, which will encourage us to give up our aspirations for betterment. It is crucial that we look at ourselves in the generational perspective. Yes, we live in an age succumb to greed, but we don't let people own other people, and hitting women with sticks is no longer encouraged or excused. On a generational scale we have shown marked improvement. We have to understand, that in Biblical times, the moral scholars of the day had to pick their battles. It was hard enough trying to get people to not kill one another.

Now that you feel better having not murdered anyone, we can shorten the time scale to within our own lifetime. We all probably have some half-represses memory of being an absolute horror of a child. Everyone has ruined a waitresses day by pouring all the salt and pepper into their water in the name of science.

And here we must confront an unpleasant side-effect of striving for betterment: The more improvement we experience, the more we reflect upon our past with a greater relative sense of dissatisfaction with our choices, actions and motivations. Not only do we see our past selves in a more negative light, but we perceive the actions of those around us as more negative as well.

The farther along the road we traverse, the greater the effect, and it is this line of self-reflection and re-observation of the world as it is and has been, we are brought back to the question of absurdity, anxiety, isolation and ultimately the issue of suicide. But we are getting too far ahead for the moment.

There is an inherent amount of madness in wanting to become a better person beyond the caliber of what is expected by law and social dictum. As stated before, there was a point in American history, when the abolition movement was a minority opinion, thought to be carried only by the soft-hearted idealists. How alienating it must have been, to be a progressive minded youth in the deep south, perhaps even the child of a plantation owner; knowing from the heart and from examples of places abroad, that there was an alternative way of life.

Given the context of time, belief in some greater potential good is indeed madness in the respect that it requires belief in an non-actualized reality. However, this is a type of madness that is logically achievable. It would be one thing to believe in a reality in which people never aged or died, but in choosing to believe that mankind can be better, we have historical evidence that it is not only possible, but that it has been done repeatedly and constantly in the past. By allocating this belief within the realms of human society, we put it in the realm of possibility. We have complete control over our own societies. There is no outside agent. We and our government representatives are not being controlled by corporate overlords. We are just very susceptible to bribery.

It's insane, but it isn't. As noted before, as we make progress in self-improvement, a natural side-effect of that betterment, is that previous states of our being are made to seem worse. Furthermore, actions of our closest friends are re-examined from our new found soap box, and the world at large is revealed to be a much worse, corrupt place than we could have ever hoped to imagine.

This brings us to the primary anxiety of this journey. It is assumed that for most individuals who seek out a higher moral livelihood, it was done in some sense out of a desire to make the world a better place for those around us. It is not done for self-gratification or to nurture a "mightier than thou" complex, but because an individual wishes to bring goodness into the world around them. However, as they improve morally, they are confronted with the relativity issue, of perceiving not only mankind as a whole, but their friends and family as being more morally corrupt than they had at the outset of their journey. The question then runs through our mind: Was humanity worth the trouble?

It is so easy to question whether or not those around us are "deserving" of the kind acts of others, especially when they don't seem to want help, or are completely oblivious to the fact that they are indeed doing wrong. For, on a moral level, is it not essentially wrong to aid or be charitable and kind to a "wrong-doer?" The number of people who have no moral stances can seem overwhelming, and it may seem like that number is growing as well. It may seem like the great nation of America has become nothing more than a large number of large people, enthralled in petty, superficial standards of overconsumption. It may seem as though people have deeply invested themselves in the notion that they should just look out for themselves, and that people are mere stepping stones on the path to the top. It may seem as though any try to cultivate goodness and charity will be swept up by the eternally selfish, who will just demand more until there is nothing left to give.

Farther down the road the question then becomes: If this is the state of the world, and it seems improbable if not impossible for one individual or even a group of individuals to make a positive change, is this a world worth living in?

This kind of thinking is a trap. It is an unnecessary division of mankind into right and wrong, good and evil. We set out on a mission to save the environment, create a higher moral standard, or whatever the altruistic cause may be because we realize that there is only a "we." There is one planet, shared by one people. "All men were created equal." Remember? It is a trap to think of this nation in terms of reds and blues. This is 'Merica. We are 'Mericans. And we are all 'Rthlings.

One way we can resolve our issues with our brethren is recalling those moments in our hellish childhood when we thought it would be a good idea to open the car door on the freeway. We are all the same. One way we can resolve our issues with our lesser past, is to look at our generational moral gains. We are all improving. The way out of the suicide issue, at least for a twenty-something year old moralist, is that humanity needs your genes in the pool. You must survive, and procreate such that the next generation will have the genetic tendency towards altruistic endeavors. You must realize that you are already highly outnumbered by a sea of mindless, nihilistic breeders who will spawn unit after unit of Doritos munching, Miller High Life chugging, reality tv watching, Fuck-Monkeys. They are already going to outbreed you, but that is no excuse to give up on natural selection. Good people everywhere need you. They need a parent that won't debate between school supplies and a fifth of vodka. They need a grandparent that won't yell racist remarks at the neighbors, and throw rocks at dogs. You need to stay alive because as hard of an existence as it may be, you must prove to the world that people like you still exist.

But at the same time keep in mind, we are all one people. We are all flawed on some level. We are all Doritos munching Fuck-Monkeys.

God Bless 'Merica.

***

And now, hidden amongst the rabble, a personal story from events in my life. There may be a few repeated points, but only because they seem important to me. There is also a lot of optometry mumbo-jumbo. Why is it in the third-person for parts of it? No idea. I do genuinely fear for my sanity at times, especially when placed in a business environment. Here's why...

-E.I

***

Eric has been unemployed for two months now, but has consciously been avoiding the unemployment office, because he has a good amount of savings, and he feels that due to his privileged upbringing, there are probably some low income families who could use tax money more. Good for you, Eric. Your mom must be proud.

Eric quit his last job after becoming downtrodden, depressed and beaten down over the overwhelming sense that his employer was taking advantage of his patients/customers. This is indicative of the problem. At a certain point in these pseudo-medical fields - optometry, dentistry, orthodontics and chiropractics - the patient became referred to more and more as a customer. While this isn't quite as offensive as it is in actual medical practice, although probably just as common according to the latest Time magazine, it still seems as though the general public hasn't quite caught onto the fact that when they walk into a medical office where they call the person across the counter "doctor," that they are being treated much in the same way as if they had just walked onto a used car lot.

There is an implicit amount of trust we place in people in white coats with fancy placards strewn across their walls. This is a trust that my previous employer and the one I just came from, seem to abuse. A lot of optometrists do this (although not all. My dad doesn't. My dad is the best): they will give you an exam, and make superficial changes to your prescription. They might shift the cylinder axis by a few degrees, they might add one quarter of a diopter to the sphere power, while deducting one or two from the cylinder. In simple terms, they make minute changes that are more apparent on a paper prescription as opposed to what the visible difference is when you put the glasses on. Then with your "brand new prescription," they take you out into the frame room, and sell you a two thousand dollar pair of glasses. No one needs a two thousand dollar pair of glasses.

I understand that these kinds of practices are common in the business world. No one ever heard a person say, "Thank God we got the undercoat, honey." My issue comes with the fact that these people are called "doctor," when they are acting like sales associates.

The gross part comes when realizing that these people are also guilty of abusing Medicare to a certain extent. Medicare will pay an optometrist or an ophthalmologist for one pair of glasses after a cataract surgery to the order of about 90-100 dollars total. (76 for a frame and another 20 or so for plastic lenses) In their guidelines they say that this is for a basic frame and a cr-39 basic plastic pair of lenses. I'm not entirely sure they understand that the cost of a true basic frame is about four dollars, and that basic lenses usually cost about two-fifty. Those are the wholesale costs. That doesn't factor in whatever markup is applied to the materials to get it up to six-fifty. The amount of metal or plastic material is takes to make that one pair of glasses is probably around one dollar for the lot, yet the government ends up paying nearly one hundred dollars for a pair of reading glasses. If you go to Walgreens and look at the readers there, that is the kind of quality you can expect to get and what the government to pay for.

I could go on about my last boss for ages; how he semi-illegally wrote prescriptions for one year instead of two; how he would literally salivate when he was close to making a sale; how he made me send out collection bills for ten dollars to about twenty people over the summer. The list goes on and on.

But Eric was getting antsy. Eric wanted to get a job. So, he hesitantly took another job at an optometry office, under the pretense of a trial week to see how things would fit. They did not fit well.

What irked me about this most recent venture involved their "warranty policy." There is a moderately useless product called anti-reflective coating that will give lenses a scratch warranty. If you scratch a lens, you get a new one. Good deal. The older generations gave a one year scratch warranty, the newer ones give a two year. One particular brand offers unlimited scratch re-do's in a two year period, which is a pretty good offer. However, this office I just came from decided that the warranty was too good, and perceiving the threat of time wasted doing re-do's, created an "office warranty policy" of giving all lenses a one year, one time only re-do. This seemed massively dishonest to me, and I was made quite distraught in learning of this to the point where my manager asked why I looked so sad, distant and torn. My thinking was this: It was not their product. They are just licensed distributors. If they don't want to use that product because of the inconvenient warranty, then they shouldn't use it, instead of perverting the terms of the manufacturer's promise to the consumer. Simply put: If you buy an iPod at Best Buy, you still go by Apple's warranty. There may be an additional warranty available through Best Buy, but that should serve as an added convenience, if anything.

It just seemed like a strange justification: If a bunch of people kept coming in for scratch warranties, it would waste staff time that could be used making sales. Firstly, if the people do their jobs right, and talk to the patients and deduce that they are tough on their glasses by asking, I don't know... "are you tough on your glasses?" then they can give them a stronger material and skirt the issue altogether. The second, less common scenario, is that a person finds out they can have an unlimited number of re-do's, and then psychotically takes a screwdriver to their lenses every few months. In having spent my whole life in optometry offices, I've seen maybe one instance in which a person deliberately scratched their lenses. And it was only once. And her warranty had actually expired, so she didn't get them anyway. Point being: Even if this office had three or four of these individuals in their midst, it seems like a radical and unnecessary precaution to lie to every single person who walks through the door and tell them the warranty isn't as good as it actually is.

Furthermore, the manager tried to justify the warranty lie by saying that if a person came back with a scratch after the one year had passed, but they actually had the two year warranty, the office would "see what they could do," and replace the lenses like they were supposed to in the first place. This created the deception that the office was doing a favor in a predicament that not only shouldn't have existed, but that they manufactured completely.

And now I am left wondering if I am going crazy for not wanting to subject myself to this kind of perceived greed. Whenever I hear people say, "it's just business," it feels like a by-way of saying, "yeah this shit is evil and wrong, but I am getting lots of money for gas, food, plastic bullshit, sex, rent for an apartment that's nicer than my [least favorite family member's] and the admiration of my peers." When I hear people say, "competitive pricing"or "competitive salary," I hear, "I'm gonna fuck your asshole a little more gently than the guy down the block."

I feel crazy because the more I interact with the world, the more I'm realizing that there are fewer and fewer people out there who feel that there is a better way. There is my grandfather and my dad of course, who do things in a fair and honest way because they enjoy sleeping at night, and there are some truly wonderful friends of mine who share the same thoughts, but on a greater scale, when I try to make a list of people I know who believe that we are one people, struggling through life together; that we should be kind, generous and altruistic towards everyone we meet, and that as the dominate species on this, we have a responsibility to take care of it, it's inhabitants, and each other; that list is comprised of mostly murder victims.

***

These two writings were put together because they seemed to be speaking to one another.

The beliefs purported in this blog are difficult to believe in. Let it be known that the author frequently struggles with this faith in moral betterment.

If you made it all the way down here, thanks. I love you too.

To Describe Blow-Jobs Artistically

"The master of ceremonies asked people to say what they thought the function of the novel might be in modern society, and one critic said, 'To provide touches of color in rooms with all-white walls.' Another one said, 'To describe blow-jobs artistically.'" -Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five.

Few individuals share the experience of enlightenment exactly as Oscar's. Drunk, in the back seat of a 1989 Honda Civic, being blown ever so graciously by God-knows-what-her-dad-named-her, Oscar peered into the rearview mirror only to see Tiny Jesus smiling and waving from the driver's seat headrest. Thinking this was some strange, unknown hallucinatory side-effect of drinking tequila with raspberry vodka, Oscar tried to refocus on the petite, curly haired red-head slobbering all over his dick. Yet he found himself closing his eyes. He found himself thinking about doing history homework in-between laundry cycles, his childhood go-to for boner killing. God-knows-what-her-dad-named-her looked up and asked if everything was okay: the mast was drooping. Oscar reassured her that everything was wonderful. Everything was dandy. Tiny Jesus definitely wasn't playing a harmonica on the dashboard.

In just a moment Oscar will have his mind divided from his body. He will be gone long enough such that when he returns the only thing he will see are the curly maroon pubic regions of a faceless, nameless, inhabitant of the planet he will love and understand deeper than the man who named her. She will be completely unaware that the mind, formally attached to the body, attached to the member in her mouth has been shown the shadow of the nature of existence. As Oscar's mind leaves for a watercolored sense of time, the beast of soulless man will occupy her with pulsating gyration of up, down and up, and she will sync up with him, her fishy lipstick going down, up and down.

Tiny Jesus moves from the dashboard towards Oscar in a four-dimensional trajectory. How best to describe this? At rest he is one, making a singular decision. In motion, he is many and all possibilities. Oscar can only perceive a kaleidoscopic view of a thousand Tiny Jesuses teleporting towards him, until one appears atop the ginger girl's head going down, up and down, her hot breath moistening Oscar's thigh. Tiny Jesus's little feet deform her hair,but she doesn't seem to notice. Tiny Jesus takes out his harmonica again and blows a harsh sweep from low to high, and as the top note stabilizes, everything glows whiter, and whiter, and up, down and up again.

And this is what Heaven is like: Tiny Jesus is normal Jesus again, and you enter mid-stride with your eyes on Jesus's open palm. He is offering you a handful of sunflower seeds. You walk along a river, on a soft dirt path, barefoot and surrounded by miles of plush, twigless grass. As you know from Tiny Jesus in the car, there is no talking here; just a knowing gleam of eye light. There is never any confusion, so there is no need to say anything. No decisions have to be made because everything will be just fine. If you don't like sunflower seeds, you don't have to take them, but Jesus being Jesus, he will always offer. When Jesus eats sunflower seeds, he doesn't eat them one at a time. He doesn't even bother to de-shell them. He throws them into his mouth a handful at a time and chews the wad like gum. From time to time, between wads, he wades into the water and takes a long drink. He doesn't mind getting wet from the belly down. Sometimes there is a warm breeze and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it is a cooling wind and sometimes not. No one really notices because either is just fine. People are the same as they were on Earth, and everyone is here.

You walk on with Jesus, in the ever pleasant day. He spits wads of sunflower shells into the grass, and always offers you a handful. All the while, you pass by pairs of true lovers, silently engaged with an art or craft in the warmth of each other's company. Once dead, everyone becomes a master of their art, and no one remembers why there were art critics to begin with, until they really think about it. They then understand, smile, or laugh to themselves and forget all over again. A book is no better than a painting, nor worse, and a painting is no better or worse than any other painting. They are simply different, and everything is just fine. When pairs pass by other pairs, they look over each other's work and smile with warmth and knowing. There is no need to praise, because the artist knows the work is a masterpiece, so the subject just enjoys the art for what it is, and everything is just fine.

You walk by Hell every now and again, and everyone in there is the same as they were on Earth. Looking from the outside in, Hell is a massive, light grey, concrete pyramid full of windows and balconies for people to smoke on, because you aren't allowed to smoke indoors, even in Hell. There was never any torture, or fire. They just prefer to be indoors, despite the ceilings being a little low, and the lighting poor. That was the only difference. Low lighting and low ceilings. People in Hell, which isn't that bad of a place at all, would simply rather stay indoors on a perpetually sunny day, or a surprisingly warm evening. The inhabitants of Hell have the Internet, television, and bars. They will sometimes come out to an overhang, or a patio to smoke cigarettes, because even in Hell, you can't smoke indoors. You work the same job you had on Earth in Hell, and everyone makes as much as they need to. The people of Hell pay taxes, although the tax money doesn't really go anywhere. There is no governing body, because no one is worried about theft or murder, because everyone has all the material items they could want, but are silently uncomfortable with admitting that empty feeling associated with having too many luxuries. Not too many people know how the monetary system in Hell works, but there are lots of television shows that talk about it, and everyone understands that it is meant to be confusing. There are lots of hand sanitizer stations and pay-phones that no one uses. They all have their own private space, and there is plenty of it, although the ceilings are a little low, and the lighting poor. In Hell, they provide you with just enough room to be lonely in, and a cavalcade of luxuries that don't really matter. You have the best hot tub that gets almost too hot, and the most powerful air conditioner so it's almost too cold, and most people spend their days getting in and out of really nice hot tubs and re-watching their same favorite television programs. You have an endless supply of TV channels, but you probably only watch programs on about four or five of them. You have a computer with Internet to watch the shows you watch on TV, or read the ideas of other people watching TV on a computer. People in Hell still spend a lot of time on cell phones, because they aren't comfortable with accepting the silent knowing that the folks in Heaven have. They know the same things that the Heaven folk know. They just still need someone to validate them. People in Hell aren't unhappy at all. They just aren't sure if they're happy. They aren't sure of a lot of things, like if they know the same things that the folks in Heaven know. They do. It's just not enough.

There are still bar fights. There is still work drama. They still shit in Hell because they still eat, and they eat well. But toilets still get clogged, and people still gripe as they either call a plumber or search for a plunger. They know they've died, and there is no real need to eat beyond pleasing the sensation of hunger. Besides, Jesus eats too. Jesus poops also. He likes to visit Hell sometimes with a smattering of Heaven folk who could be bothered, and they will go find a place to eat a slice of pizza, or a roll of sushi. No one is quite sure how it all started, but for whatever reason Jesus loves tuna salad mixed with macaroni and cheese, topped with capers, jalapeños and chunks of thickly sliced turkey bacon. No one is quite sure where he gets it either, but everyone is comfortable not knowing certain things.

Asking how often Jesus gets tuna salad mixed with mac and cheese with capers, peppers and bacon is a silly question for the dead because there is no time. There is day, which is always pleasant, and night, which is always surprisingly warm, but no one in Heaven pays any attention to the change for being too deep in the enjoyment of the moment, and everyone in Hell is in a perpetual state of coming out of a movie theater and being shocked by the state of the day, so they are no help at all. What can be said about Jesus's visits to Hell is that when he walks around, everyone knows him, but they often call him by different names - again, it is mostly out of this strange need for Hellian validation despite knowing exactly who he is. They call him Buddha, Mohammad, Moses, Vishnu, Holiness, Steve and all sorts of names, and he responds to them all with a wide smile and a handful of sunflower seeds. People in Hell rarely eat sunflower seeds. They have no proper place to spit.

People in Heaven are allowed to stay in Hell, and people in Hell are allowed to go to Heaven, but people rarely stay in both places equally. Part of that unspoken understanding is knowing where you prefer to be, and everyone is just fine with it. No one tells people they don't belong anywhere, they just give knowing smiles signifying an acknowledgment of a stranger or a neighbor, and there is very little difference between the two. Sometimes you see a pale pudgy Hell girl going for a run along the river, and everyone from Heaven chuckles because they forgot what being in a rush was like. Sometimes you see a person from Heaven walking dazed around a mall in Hell, sipping a Slurpee and staring at mannequins and pondering what possible good a fine Italian suit would do on a beautiful day like this. It would only get ruined in the river, so they never go inside.

The most overlap you see between inhabitants of Heaven and Hell is the library. Everyone likes the library. People from Heaven love fiction from Hell. They love the adventure, the noir, the mystery and excitement of murder stories, but they love it in the library, knowing that it will all go back on the shelf shortly. People from Hell love the poetry from Heaven. It helps them appreciate natural beauty in that slightly removed medium they are so used to. It is a nice break from watching nature shows on HD TV; they still don't have leave the comforts of their home; they can still drink premium coffee that is almost too strong, and smoke cigarettes that are almost too heavy, knowing peacefully enough, that it will all go back on a shelf.

You wonder the same thing everyone wonders when they take their walk with Jesus eating sunflower seeds. Did Jesus ever get blown? And knowing the "did-Jesus-ever-get-blown" look like his own reflection in the river, he smiles at you, and you realize that knowing either way would have been disappointing. For those of you who have died, everything becomes clear at this point, but for folks like Oscar, he chuckles - the only real verbalization in Heaven - and you continue on, leaving a trail of sunflower shell wads behind.

Magic Gerbils, Crayons, and Cancer

A story from my youth: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Abby. She was dirt poor. Her family was on welfare and food stamps. All of her clothes were handed down from her brother. To save money, haircuts were administered by her mother, Halloween was more of a mission than a holiday, and it wasn't unusual for Abby to go to school with a packet of dry ramen noodles for breakfast and lunch. Abby was in class one day, and her teacher was hung-over. The class was instructed to draw a picture with their crayons. As the class began, Abby remembered that her parents had bought an eighth of weed instead of colored pencils, markers and crayons under the justification that, "Between momma's mascara pencil, blue pens, and your imagination, you'll do just fine. Can you get me more milk for my Lucky Charms?"

Abby raised her hand to inform her teacher that she didn't own any crayons and couldn't complete the assignment, but it was too late. Ms. Haverdash had already put on her aviators and was fast asleep.

Tony was the son of a very wealthy Italian watch model. He had a box of sixty-five crayons, so he let Abby use the colors he didn't care for, such as brown, orange, pink, purple and gray. Jenny was blonde, and would grow up to be a trophy wife, which is irrelevant, but you can never start planning your careers too early, girls. Jenny had a standard box of sixteen crayons. Her black one had snapped in half, so she gave the nub end to Abby, who sharpened it in Tony's crayon sharpener, again irrelevant to the story, but girls, don't think you have to sharpen boys' crayons to make it in this world.

Then there was Mikey. Mikey was the only kid in class whose family was probably in worse shape than Abby's. Mikey's mom lived off of disability following a tragic porn filming accident on the set of Trannies, Panties, and Automatons, a science-fiction parody of the John Candy classic. While filming on location at a train station, Mikey's mom squirted on the third rail. Terrible things happened to Mikey's mom's lower half. In any event, Mikey only received the crayon's he had through an unspoken deal he made with the man who delivers bags of mashed potato mix to the school. We won't go into detail, but Mikey got fucked in the butt - metaphorically speaking - as in he made a poor trade for three measly little, used, old crayons that originated from an Applebee's.

If you really want to know, he traded home videos of his mom. There are you happy? Can't you leave poor Mikey alone?

Mikey went up to Abby and said, "Abby, you may sha-wuh awhl mah cway-awhns wif me-uh."

Oh yeah, Mikey has mouth cancer. Do you feel bad now? You should. His mom went into porn to pay for cancer treatments. You people disgust me.

Moving on: The class gerbil happened to be a magic wizard in disguise. Walter the Werbil (Wizard-gerbil) revealed his giant werbil form to the class. So inspired was he by the generosity of Mikey that he granted him any three wishes. Mikey, being a modest and humble boy of few desires, said, "I wish for my mouth cancer to be cured, and for everyone to be happy forever. Unfortunately, Walter the Werbil heard, "Aw, whiff four mammoth canisters of bean curd, and fluff anyone! Toe bleed Abby for rent."

Confused, but determined, Walter the Werbil proceeded to snort cans of tofu, give blow-jobs, and finish by biting poor Abby's toes until she gave up her milk money. The End.

***

The moral of the less demented version of this story is, that it is not the small donations made by those blessed with many things, but the (relatively speaking) large donations made by those who already have little, that makes a deed truly good. I may donate my pocket-change to the homeless and round up my Safeway bills for cancer research, but my deeds are no where near as admirable as those college graduates, who in light of having just acquired eighty-thousand dollars in debt from student loans, chose to fly off to war-torn Africa to build wells and huts for those in need. I'm just more vocal and need validation.

What I am trying to say is: I am not that great of a person. I don't even consider myself to be a good person. I am comparable to Tony in the story listed above. I do good works on a small scale relative to my potential. I want to shoot down the notion, before it arises, that the author thinks himself morally superior, and so finds it necessary to prescribe ethical guidelines. This is not the case. I have no idea what I'm doing.

For now, I want to catalogue the actions and habits that have worked for me in my quest to become a better human being, so that if there are people out there who wish to begin a period of self-improvement, they can know what a formerly terrible person did to begin the process of turning it around.

For those of us in our twenties and full of ideals, now is the time that we can make the greatest physical impacts on the world. Decades from now, when we are in our fifties, we will use the tools of influence and affluence to achieve our goals, but now is the time in which we must throw our bodies and minds into the fray to get what we truly want in life. Personally, I have invested my education in writing. Whereas this was not my passion, when I chose to major in English (a choice made out of sheer laziness) the ability to document thoughts and argue semantics were the tools given to me. I want people to believe in the goodness they are capable of, and it is the author's intention, and passion, to try to inspire this belief - by any means necessary - using the tools available.

To those of you who went and taught in Thailand, did environmental work abroad, participated in a program like Teach for America, or mentored an at-risk youth - you are good people, who have taken meaningful steps, and put forth great efforts into doing things that you saw as being right, good and beneficial for yourself and the world. So frequently have thousands of people said the words, "thank you for your service," to some scary, muscly military guy who has probably participated in killing people. For some reason, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people I just mentioned have probably been thanked far less upon their return.

Thanks guys. You have made a positive impact in the world.

Lesson Five: Tolerate Logical Irrationality

***
A Note: While I do believe in Something, this entry will attempt to maintain an agnostic discourse for the sake of inclusion.

Something be with you,
-E.I

***

Talking about God is difficult. Until now, the author has tried to avoid the subject as much as possible. When asked point blank, "Do you believe in God?" I panic worse than Peter. It is a polarizing term. It is alienating. The term means something different to everyone. When speaking to twenty-something, middle-class, liberally-raised people these days, they don't like to say "God." It is muttered in hushed tones, and associated with the disgusting and vile actions of murderers, crusaders and kid-diddlers. However, at the same time, so many of us resort to a form of prayer without calling it prayer. We talk to God, without calling it God. Instead, we ask "The Universe," for strength. We thank "That-From-Which-We-Came" for giving us the courage to be a better person. When we make mistakes, we not only ask forgiveness of the ones we've wronged, but of that little nagging voice inside ourselves that let's us know when we're on the right track or not.

That little voice has been made into a Disney cartoon cricket. It has been called the superego by Freud, and the noble horse by the Greeks. Our parents told us the word for it is our conscience, and for those of us raised under the teachings of the Trinity, it has also been named The Holy Spirit.

There are many experiences that we all share as humans, that cannot be photographed or quantified in an objective manner; these invisible qualities that we create analogies for in an attempt to point at the shadows of a reality we know to be true. Love is my favorite example. Poets use words, three-dimensional descriptors, and attempt to recreate a four-dimensional experience. Musicians attempt to incorporate the medium of sound to evoke that indescribable feeling. Visual arts attempt to imbue their persona, or exaggerate those facets of physical forms in reality which indicate the greater truths they seek to point out. Love is something so beyond our minds, and so overwhelming, that most of us resort to cries of joy and squeezing one another with our appendages. If the positive aspect of that feeling of love has not graced your life, then perhaps the negative - the tragedy of grief, equal in its gravity - may be more relatable. (The negative is also most commonly expressed by wailing and squeezing one another with our appendages.) We carry other ideals that hold no physical, definite form: truth, justice, grace and mercy.

It is saddening to realize that many of us have yet to experience a great love, a moral awakening, or a visceral encounter with [The Universe] (Input whatever makes you comfortable). As there are no words to describe many of those experiences, it is often a lonely period of failed explanations, and feeling as though no one understands what you've been through. There are those people who know, but they are equally incapable of satisfactory expression. Think of an ant who has just walked across your iPhone, and must now, through pheromone excretions, describe their impressions from a limited perspective of Gangnam Style to the Queen.

And so we come up with our analogies. Those analogies that are so easy to pick apart, because they are hashed together, futile, shadows of the thing we are actually trying to talk about. For people who have yet to experience those things which we can only feel, they only have a poorly constructed analogy to operate and engage with. They shine their light on the shadow, and reveal that there is nothing there. To borrow from the great philosopher Bruce Lee, they focus on the finger, pointing away to the moon, missing all the heavenly glory.

***

It is becoming increasingly difficult in a capitalistic society in which we must nurture greed and selfish competition, to find any rational, objective justification for altruistic behavior. We, as Americans, live in a system that does not tend to reward charitable behavior. It is you against every other person who is passionate enough about a trade/practice to start a business around it. It is your business against every other business who wants that kid's allowance, that family's Christmas bonus, and that corporate sponsor.

It is also becoming increasingly difficult to adhere to moral systems that are becoming more and more antiquated and ridiculous in light of today's scientific findings. It is incredibly hard for today's twenty-something year olds to take life advice from someone who believes the Earth is four thousand years old, that Jews and Satan collectively buried dinosaur bones to fool humanity, and that natural selection is either a theory, or another brain child of Satan and the Jews. (Dibs on the sweetest Polka band name ever)

That being said, we are also entering a time in human history where we cannot afford to abandon a strong moral stance. When we look inside of ourselves, and acknowledge that irrational beast that wishes to hoard and consume every luxury and pleasure for ourselves at the expense of others - that entirely base and ridiculous idea that the individual from which our experience takes place is for some reason different, or better than any one else - and acknowledge that this conditioning has been set into us on a level, a nearly global scale, that will require a momentous amount of energy to reverse, then we must realize that it will require the aid of a force greater than ourselves, greater than that beast within us, and greater than the collective system which has created and coddled this behavior on a global scale, to undo these lesser desires.

There may be no physical evidence of a great altrustic force, beyond a subjective perception, but mankind has proved time and time again, that when it needs something, it will be realized. This great entity has been perceived, loosely defined, and imagined many times by many peoples. This is a force which we cannot paint an exact picture of, or measure in grams, but every culture from every corner of the Earth has come away with a vague impression of the shadow it casts, and gifts us with a metaphoric finger, pointing to the sky. There is the Tree of Life, from which all things came, the Tao which allowed for everything, the ebb and flow of Yin and Yang, the cycles of creation and destruction from Vishna and Shiva, and of course Unkulunkulu, the Zulu creation deity.

These are all crude metaphors, that try to simplify things for our human minds. It may be multiple components, a myriad of things, combined and funneled towards a common goal. It could all be one thing, ever changing. It could be a Legends-of-Zelda-like Tri-Force, if you will. A great entity that created us, a children - a we - to act on its behalf, and an unseen ghost to Jiminy our Crickets' back on the right track.

Yet while we may create prettier analogies to match the times, there is still the inherent irrationality in believing that a higher order being of pure altruistic intent could allow the great quantities and densities of tragedy that befall us on a daily basis. There is still the inherent irrationality that must accompany faith, as defined as belief accompanied by a lack of hard, physical evidence. There is an inherent irrationality in making decisions based on an intuition for goodness, which lacks objective definition in living action, and that no one else can perceive.

However, if we do not aspire to some irrational, presently unachievable ideal of altruistic goodness, how can we ever improve? How would the townsfolk react, if we went back in time one hundred years and said, "One day, we will all carry tiny rectangles that can allow us to talk and send messages to any individual on the planet in an instant. We can use them to take and send photographs and movies. They can be used as musical instruments. They can give you directions to any location you want. They can tell you how much every gas station in your area is charging for a gallon. They can provide you with lifetimes of porn. You can send money to your family. You can trade stocks. You can receive alerts from the White House, and check the latest news at any time. It is an encyclopedia, a dictionary, a botany reference book, a medical guide, and there's also this thing called Chat Roulette, which I have a hard time explaining." We would be burned at the stake, or sent to the mad house. However, because enough people saw the need for a device like this, it evolved out of the realms of imagination and science-fiction and into reality. We once thought of holograms as being impossible. Hologram Tupac begs to differ.

But it is understandable, in light of the evidence, that many feel so cynically towards humankind. I spoke to a man about the homeless population in Berkeley, California who said, "I noticed they are all younger these days, and they all have dogs. If I went into a Walgreens and bought them a bag of dog food, would that make me a bad person?" We don't have to scan the news for too long before we find a tale of corruption, or indecency, and all the feel-good pieces seem to be about goats saving baby pigs, or cheetahs looking after antelope; charitable actions don't make great news. (That's not to say it doesn't happen. One news story spoke of a Canadian coffee shop in which people bought the coffee of the person behind them for a full three hours before the chain of charity stopped. Similar events have occurred in America in regards to the purchasing of gasoline.)

If enough people can collectively believe in some radical notion of altruism, then not only can a community be built upon that belief, but that community will act in accordance with that belief. The dangers lie in diverting from the original message of goodness, and adhering to a communal accordance with the bizarre rituals that become associated with the community, not the idea. The tragedies lie in petty disagreements between communities saying the same thing, slightly differently. But, flawed as the metaphors and analogies may be, if they produce the desired effect of the initial concepts - being good, kind, charitable and forgiving to our fellow human beings - then the logical inconsistencies created by those metaphors should be, not excused completely, but tolerated in light of the end produced.

If, in order for a base and selfish individual to believe in a greater tomorrow, and a perfect future for the next generations, he or she must take an irrational leap and believe in a magic old man in the sky that controls everything, then by all means, let that individual believe in the magic old man in the sky. If, to keep from stealing a gun, shooting his neighbor, and raping his neighbor's wife, he must believe that when he dies, a winged, androgynous being will count up all his bad deeds on some sort of point system, and sentence him to a pit of fire where a demon will sodomize his mouth for all eternity - let him believe it. Conversely, if you have to believe that there is nothing but chaos, randomness, tragedy and death, but that while we are here we should regard our fellow human beings as fellow sufferers of this awful fate of age and death, and that in light of this bleak upcoming nothingness we should love, cherish and look after one another - believe it.

We have all been fed, and on one level or another accepted, the lie that having an iPhone, an iPad, an iPod, and an iMac will make us cooler, more fashionable and happier. What that proves is that we are capable of believing in truly amazing, outlandish things. Let's try believing in the innate goodness of ourselves, by any means necessary.