We present to you, the gay marriage loophole.
We, the Educationally Independent, declare the establishment of The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc. (Warning: Reading the name of our profit backwards may cause enlightenment to our cause for greater equality. If you believe people are not created equally, do not read the profit's name backwards.)
THE STORY OF SYAGROF
Our great profit, Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, saw the undeniable truth of equality. Empowered by the Son of Holla, Cheezums Kraist, Syagrof was given the choice of saving or damning all of humanity. As they were judged to be completely equal, Syagrof condemned all of man to a life of mediocrity and unwarranted expectations for betterment. He swallowed existence whole, and defecated the Universe.
OUR MISSION
The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc's purpose is to convince Syagrof of our innate goodness by doing good works. The prophecy states that through good works alone, could we convince the great Syagrof Ygolot Neisc to pick through his own holy feces and redeem man.
HUMAN BASED MEMBERSHIP
In order to join the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, you must find your true love partner of similitude. The criteria for these partners is simple. The pair must be of the same gender, or at least one partner must exist as both genders. Investigations and interviews will be given to all applicants by a pre-existing member.
You and your true love partner or similitude must then take place in the initiation ceremony, or "The Great Mirage." (Please note that in the tongue of the holy Neisc, "i's" are generally pronounced with the English "a.") This is not to be confused with a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. The partner of similitude must be physiologically similar to his or her other.
The ceremony is one that attests that through the love of these two similarly gendered individuals, they are actually one being, but appear as two individuals existing in two separate places through the powers of The Great Mirage. The Church will absolutely never marry a man and a dog. We repeat, there is no reason to fear the Church marrying a man and his dog, any other animal or plant species. This fear may be put to rest.
FINANCIAL INCENTIVES FOR HUMAN MEMBERS. I MEAN CHARITABLE DONATIONS
The initiates must also put forward a completely tax deductible donation
which will be put towards good works. With absolutely no connection to the donation made by the initiates, the Church will then provide the suitable rights for "The Great Mirage." This includes the metallic circular bands of bonding which unite the two, a tiered cylindrical sugary pastry of communion, traditional Neiscian unification garments (for women, generally a long white robe, and for men, a suit or tuxedo is a rough approximation for the Grand Holy Flagoot-Schwindleir), and of course a phono-disc jockey.
Members of the Church can make yearly donations (tax-deductible of course). Being a humble organization, the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc will only accept an amount which is roughly equivalent to what a pair of normal human beings might be able to save by filing their taxes jointly, or perhaps the cost of extending health care coverage to your true love partner of similitude.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF EQUALITY FOR ALL
Now then, in order for a certain demographic of individuals to revoke the powers of this religious institution, several things can happen. They can either revoke the powers of such similar religious institutions such as The Church of Scientology, or they can revoke the first amendment. If they revoke the former, then the world will be a better place. Should they attempt to do the latter, then we can at least simultaneously take away their right to say freely say stupid things on television and peacefully assemble and protest soldiers' funerals.
Of course, this does not attack the underlying issue, that the gay community just wants to be equal. Even though the Church can potentially offer benefits better than those of a traditional marriage, they community in questions does not wish to have different rights at all. They wish to enjoy the same rights as everyone else.
If you, or a loved one has found their true love partner of similitude and would like to join the Church, please write to us. We will now close with the traditional Neiscian prayer.
Our father Syagrof Ygolot Neisc
His name is our name
Our name is his
Better read backwards.
Praise be to Cheezums Kraist.
Praise be to the Son of Holla.
Practice good works.
Our love be one.
Our truth be many.
Our semantics be supreme.
And the timeless chimes of going-on go,
Joani loves Chachi,
Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.
F.A.Q.
1. Will you open the floodgates for man-beast marriages?
No.
2. Why do you insist on being an aberration to God?
These rights are granted by the same doctrine that allows you to spout your supposed moral high ground. If you wish to deny someone's freedom of expression, or in this case, religion, you must deny your own freedom to express your distaste of that expression that was instilled by your own free religion. Why do you insist on wearing white socks with slacks? I mean, really? Someone needs to liberate your fashion taste, girlfriend.
3. Eric, seriously. Are you gay?
No, although once a bi-sexual teenager tried to rape me.
4. Wait. Really?
Yeah. Thank goodness for memory repression, right?
5. Are you okay? When did this happen?
When did what happen?
6. In light of all that, you still support equal marriage rights?
You bet your unmolested ass I do. As the profit Syagrof maintains, we must be completely equal, without any exception. If we are to be saved, then the serial murderers be saved along with the saviors. If one is to be damned, then everyone shall share in his fate. We must have all rights allotted to us, or all have no rights. A man cannot play chess with checkers pieces.
7. What are good things/good works that the Church advocates?
It's a feeling. Start by buying a homeless person a loaf of bread. Use that as a benchmark and then practice, practice, practice.
8. What would you say to those people you are potentially offending by doing good works for people they deem evil or undeserving?
If you want to do good things, but only for those people you deem worthy, then at least half your efforts will be used up determining who is worthy. By deciding who is worthy first, you will not become a practitioner of good works, but a judge of mankind. You will become "better and better" at this judgement until you find fault with everyone and will resort to a very selfish existence. You will have rules, caveats, and exceptions. Your procedures for judgement will become more complicated and case by case trying to determine what is "fair." Like most bloggers and critics of art, these judges tend to be of very little use in the world. Just do good things indiscriminately for everyone. Don't make up your mind before all the facts are laid out before you. Take your time to absorb all the information. The thing about good answers is that they are usually the products of patience and critical thinking.
9. How much did you think about your little Church?
Very little.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Suggesting Anal Sex - A Zero Sum Game
I'm going to teach you about probabilities using anal sex.
Let's start with some basic principles of chemistry and physics. The law of conservation states that matter and energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred from one state to another. Now let's make it real for the wholesome, decent girls. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that all human-societal problems, be they psychological or interpersonal, come in the forms of matter or energy. If you have issues with your father, that father is in the form of quarks and atoms, you perceive him through the exchange of photons, you interact with him using vocal energy (compressed air waves) and various forms of abusive kinetic energy. You cannot create a new father, and you cannot destroy him. Luke Skywalker tried this. Darth Vader got electrocuted and lived on as a ghost. Hamlet went through the same nonsense. Those fathers as an entity are not destroyed, they are converted into another state by which you interact with them. As Obi Wan says to Darth, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
So if you can convert those issues into different states, you must be mindful about what you convert them into. Some can be productive, and some can be less so. Let's start with the less so.
You cannot save your failing relationship by doing all the weird depraved things your boyfriend watches on the Interent. You are simply transferring the discomfort and pain of being involved in a dissatisfying relationship into the discomfort and pain in and around your lubricated rear-end.
There are probably some perverse German and Russian gentleman reading and thinking, "Wait a second. What if they suggested it first? Is it possible that they maybe just like it?" And as far as the gay community goes, "you go girls." You do what you gotta do. The gay community is on average, far more cleanly and hygienic than I am, so perhaps there is that demographic that does derive pleasure out of it.
What say we put a number on that demographic? Let's say that for every gay man who enjoys receiving anal sex, there is a heterosexual woman counter part who receives anal sex. Worldwide, the numbers suggest that somewhere between five, but rarely exceeding ten percent of individuals would identify themselves as gay. There are of course, some outlying surveys and statistics. In the 1950's a man named Kinsey, in the self-named Kinsey Reports, stated that 37% of men have had a homosexual experience. This figure has been debated as it does tend to include child molestation among other things.
Assume that ten percent of the male population is homosexual. By the sheer mechanics of it, we must say that at least half of them probably enjoy anal sex. So by our previous assumption, that for every homosexual male who enjoys anal sex, there exists a heterosexual female who enjoys anal sex, at least half of ten percent of women would find a physiological pleasure in the act.
Another statistic by the Kinsey Report states that 12% of females (in the 1950's mind you) reported to have enjoyed sadomasochistic behaviors. If you split that figure in half (half of the reported being those who enjoy receiving pain, and half of those reported being those who enjoy delivering pain) then you get a roughly equivalent percentage. At least half of ten percent. That means, in very rough statistics, that only about five to eight percent of women would find it fun and dandy for the whole family. Perhaps you, Mr. Perverse German and/or Russian Gentleman, have found that five to eight percent-er. Hats off to you. But please do not misinterpret your anomaly of a partner for the general population.
The general population refers to that area as the place where poo comes from. The general population, if I may speak for the general population (not to disparage the minority, I respect your rights as an American. You are free to do whatever you like. God Bless America.) would prefer to not involve their feces in love making.
Now this all being said in conjecture without any real proof of concept beyond crude math, it would not at all surprise me to find that a greater percentage (higher than five to eight percent) of women participate in anal sex. Let's see if Google has a statistic for that...
Who doesn't love Google?
In 1992, 16% of women surveyed reported having anal sex.
Currently the rates hover between 33-40 percent.
That is much higher than my previously stated figure of those who would be naturally predisposed to enjoying it. If my crappy math would hold any water, (unlike those women's trunk-butts! GOT 'EM!!!) then we might suggest that a certain percentage of sexually active women who participate in anal intercourse, lie on a spectrum ranging from indifferent, to moderately undesired, but convincible.
Wanna put a number to that?
I'm going to be conservative now. (in math terms. Again, this is America. You go girls) Let's say that only 15-20% of women - Lowballing 33% into a flat thirty and deducting the highballed 10% of naturals - 20% of women are, for various reasons and holding numerous dispositions, being "talked into having anal sex." Let me address that 20%:
Hey.
You okay, champ?
You want an ice cream?
You deserve someone who will love you for you. Your father, or that old boyfriend, may not have given you the approval you so desperately wanted, but there is someone out there who will approve of you because you are you.
You are [Your name here].
That is and will be enough for your partner. It should be enough for you too. Now for the tough love bit. There are porn stars who contractually refuse butt stuff. Let's hope you can have an equivalent amount of self-worth as a well paid pornographic actress. You may have come under some hard times in your childhood, but chin up. You got this.
You are Lisa Simpson.
***
Now I would like to address the male population that is doing the talking into.
Hey.
Knock it off.
Those are people.
Go jam a salted cucumber in your butt and see if you like it.
You strike me as the type who is used to getting what they want. You're probably a good talker, a persuader. You're probably pretty successful. This is the twenty-first century, and I'm sure you are forward thinking. Why don't you just buy a whore? Why not put that mind to good use, and hire someone to make a porno of you. I'm sure your narcissistic ass-loving ass would love to make some money off of that. And then at least you'll be helping some girl (who would on a probability scale be more likely to enjoy something like that) pay her rent.
***
Finally, I'd like to address the curious German/Russian teenager who is trying to do research on how to suggest anal sex to their girlfriend. (LIKE HOW I SEO'D YOUR ASS?!?!?)
Life is not like porn.
You are going to get poo on your dick.
Unless you are going to pay for your girlfriend's enema,
or being European, you probably have healthcare, so
unless you are going to make your mom and dad's tax dollars pay for
your girlfriend's enema,
you are going to get poo on your dick.
After about twenty minutes of unsuccessful cramming,
you will lose wood
she will have a bloody butt
and you will have poo
all over your dick.
You will have flecks of dingleberries in your bush
for days.
And I think that about covers it.
With poo.
On your dick.
***
A fun thought game. Don't worry if you don't get this, more pigeons understand this concept than humans. (true story!)
Say we're playing a game.
The rules of the game are such.
Monty shows you three women.
Statistically, you know one of these women will participate in anal sex, and Monty knows which one it is.
You choose a number, let's say number one.
That gives you a one in three chance of being right.
Then Monty will pick a second girl, (let's say number two) who definitely does not have anal sex. See what I did there? Number two? Get it?
This leaves options one and three.
Monty then let's you decide whether or not you would like to change your selection.
What do you do?
Many individuals would tell you to stick to your gut, that your instinct is usually right and that you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right. Rehashing the tips you got for the SATs.
Those people are wrong.
Under these conditions, you will always have a two-thirds chance of "winning" if you switch from one to three.
Let me explain.
When you chose number one, you had a one in three shot of being right.
That means the two thirds probability is then slotted between the other two numbers.
However the second condition is that Monty will then choose a number that is NOT the butt-sexer. That means that Monty's choice has a zero in three chance of being the right choice.
That means the final and entire two thirds must be allocated to the third option.
So, if you change your mind every time, you will only lose in the instances in which you made the correct selection first, which only happens one in three times.
And that's how you use anal sex to teach kids about moderately complex probabilities.
Let's start with some basic principles of chemistry and physics. The law of conservation states that matter and energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred from one state to another. Now let's make it real for the wholesome, decent girls. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that all human-societal problems, be they psychological or interpersonal, come in the forms of matter or energy. If you have issues with your father, that father is in the form of quarks and atoms, you perceive him through the exchange of photons, you interact with him using vocal energy (compressed air waves) and various forms of abusive kinetic energy. You cannot create a new father, and you cannot destroy him. Luke Skywalker tried this. Darth Vader got electrocuted and lived on as a ghost. Hamlet went through the same nonsense. Those fathers as an entity are not destroyed, they are converted into another state by which you interact with them. As Obi Wan says to Darth, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
So if you can convert those issues into different states, you must be mindful about what you convert them into. Some can be productive, and some can be less so. Let's start with the less so.
You cannot save your failing relationship by doing all the weird depraved things your boyfriend watches on the Interent. You are simply transferring the discomfort and pain of being involved in a dissatisfying relationship into the discomfort and pain in and around your lubricated rear-end.
There are probably some perverse German and Russian gentleman reading and thinking, "Wait a second. What if they suggested it first? Is it possible that they maybe just like it?" And as far as the gay community goes, "you go girls." You do what you gotta do. The gay community is on average, far more cleanly and hygienic than I am, so perhaps there is that demographic that does derive pleasure out of it.
What say we put a number on that demographic? Let's say that for every gay man who enjoys receiving anal sex, there is a heterosexual woman counter part who receives anal sex. Worldwide, the numbers suggest that somewhere between five, but rarely exceeding ten percent of individuals would identify themselves as gay. There are of course, some outlying surveys and statistics. In the 1950's a man named Kinsey, in the self-named Kinsey Reports, stated that 37% of men have had a homosexual experience. This figure has been debated as it does tend to include child molestation among other things.
Assume that ten percent of the male population is homosexual. By the sheer mechanics of it, we must say that at least half of them probably enjoy anal sex. So by our previous assumption, that for every homosexual male who enjoys anal sex, there exists a heterosexual female who enjoys anal sex, at least half of ten percent of women would find a physiological pleasure in the act.
Another statistic by the Kinsey Report states that 12% of females (in the 1950's mind you) reported to have enjoyed sadomasochistic behaviors. If you split that figure in half (half of the reported being those who enjoy receiving pain, and half of those reported being those who enjoy delivering pain) then you get a roughly equivalent percentage. At least half of ten percent. That means, in very rough statistics, that only about five to eight percent of women would find it fun and dandy for the whole family. Perhaps you, Mr. Perverse German and/or Russian Gentleman, have found that five to eight percent-er. Hats off to you. But please do not misinterpret your anomaly of a partner for the general population.
The general population refers to that area as the place where poo comes from. The general population, if I may speak for the general population (not to disparage the minority, I respect your rights as an American. You are free to do whatever you like. God Bless America.) would prefer to not involve their feces in love making.
Now this all being said in conjecture without any real proof of concept beyond crude math, it would not at all surprise me to find that a greater percentage (higher than five to eight percent) of women participate in anal sex. Let's see if Google has a statistic for that...
Who doesn't love Google?
In 1992, 16% of women surveyed reported having anal sex.
Currently the rates hover between 33-40 percent.
That is much higher than my previously stated figure of those who would be naturally predisposed to enjoying it. If my crappy math would hold any water, (unlike those women's trunk-butts! GOT 'EM!!!) then we might suggest that a certain percentage of sexually active women who participate in anal intercourse, lie on a spectrum ranging from indifferent, to moderately undesired, but convincible.
Wanna put a number to that?
I'm going to be conservative now. (in math terms. Again, this is America. You go girls) Let's say that only 15-20% of women - Lowballing 33% into a flat thirty and deducting the highballed 10% of naturals - 20% of women are, for various reasons and holding numerous dispositions, being "talked into having anal sex." Let me address that 20%:
Hey.
You okay, champ?
You want an ice cream?
You deserve someone who will love you for you. Your father, or that old boyfriend, may not have given you the approval you so desperately wanted, but there is someone out there who will approve of you because you are you.
You are [Your name here].
That is and will be enough for your partner. It should be enough for you too. Now for the tough love bit. There are porn stars who contractually refuse butt stuff. Let's hope you can have an equivalent amount of self-worth as a well paid pornographic actress. You may have come under some hard times in your childhood, but chin up. You got this.
You are Lisa Simpson.
***
Now I would like to address the male population that is doing the talking into.
Hey.
Knock it off.
Those are people.
Go jam a salted cucumber in your butt and see if you like it.
You strike me as the type who is used to getting what they want. You're probably a good talker, a persuader. You're probably pretty successful. This is the twenty-first century, and I'm sure you are forward thinking. Why don't you just buy a whore? Why not put that mind to good use, and hire someone to make a porno of you. I'm sure your narcissistic ass-loving ass would love to make some money off of that. And then at least you'll be helping some girl (who would on a probability scale be more likely to enjoy something like that) pay her rent.
***
Finally, I'd like to address the curious German/Russian teenager who is trying to do research on how to suggest anal sex to their girlfriend. (LIKE HOW I SEO'D YOUR ASS?!?!?)
Life is not like porn.
You are going to get poo on your dick.
Unless you are going to pay for your girlfriend's enema,
or being European, you probably have healthcare, so
unless you are going to make your mom and dad's tax dollars pay for
your girlfriend's enema,
you are going to get poo on your dick.
After about twenty minutes of unsuccessful cramming,
you will lose wood
she will have a bloody butt
and you will have poo
all over your dick.
You will have flecks of dingleberries in your bush
for days.
And I think that about covers it.
With poo.
On your dick.
***
A fun thought game. Don't worry if you don't get this, more pigeons understand this concept than humans. (true story!)
Say we're playing a game.
The rules of the game are such.
Monty shows you three women.
Statistically, you know one of these women will participate in anal sex, and Monty knows which one it is.
You choose a number, let's say number one.
That gives you a one in three chance of being right.
Then Monty will pick a second girl, (let's say number two) who definitely does not have anal sex. See what I did there? Number two? Get it?
This leaves options one and three.
Monty then let's you decide whether or not you would like to change your selection.
What do you do?
Many individuals would tell you to stick to your gut, that your instinct is usually right and that you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right. Rehashing the tips you got for the SATs.
Those people are wrong.
Under these conditions, you will always have a two-thirds chance of "winning" if you switch from one to three.
Let me explain.
When you chose number one, you had a one in three shot of being right.
That means the two thirds probability is then slotted between the other two numbers.
However the second condition is that Monty will then choose a number that is NOT the butt-sexer. That means that Monty's choice has a zero in three chance of being the right choice.
That means the final and entire two thirds must be allocated to the third option.
So, if you change your mind every time, you will only lose in the instances in which you made the correct selection first, which only happens one in three times.
And that's how you use anal sex to teach kids about moderately complex probabilities.
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