The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc

We present to you, the gay marriage loophole.

We, the Educationally Independent, declare the establishment of The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc. (Warning: Reading the name of our profit backwards may cause enlightenment to our cause for greater equality. If you believe people are not created equally, do not read the profit's name backwards.)

THE STORY OF SYAGROF

Our great profit, Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, saw the undeniable truth of equality. Empowered by the Son of Holla, Cheezums Kraist, Syagrof was given the choice of saving or damning all of humanity. As they were judged to be completely equal, Syagrof condemned all of man to a life of mediocrity and unwarranted expectations for betterment. He swallowed existence whole, and defecated the Universe.

OUR MISSION

The Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc's purpose is to convince Syagrof of our innate goodness by doing good works. The prophecy states that through good works alone, could we convince the great Syagrof Ygolot Neisc to pick through his own holy feces and redeem man.

HUMAN BASED MEMBERSHIP

In order to join the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc, you must find your true love partner of similitude. The criteria for these partners is simple. The pair must be of the same gender, or at least one partner must exist as both genders. Investigations and interviews will be given to all applicants by a pre-existing member.

You and your true love partner or similitude must then take place in the initiation ceremony, or "The Great Mirage." (Please note that in the tongue of the holy Neisc, "i's" are generally pronounced with the English "a.") This is not to be confused with a traditional marriage between a man and a woman. The partner of similitude must be physiologically similar to his or her other.

The ceremony is one that attests that through the love of these two similarly gendered individuals, they are actually one being, but appear as two individuals existing in two separate places through the powers of The Great Mirage. The Church will absolutely never marry a man and a dog. We repeat, there is no reason to fear the Church marrying a man and his dog, any other animal or plant species. This fear may be put to rest.

FINANCIAL INCENTIVES FOR HUMAN MEMBERS. I MEAN CHARITABLE DONATIONS

The initiates must also put forward a completely tax deductible donation
which will be put towards good works. With absolutely no connection to the donation made by the initiates, the Church will then provide the suitable rights for "The Great Mirage." This includes the metallic circular bands of bonding which unite the two, a tiered cylindrical sugary pastry of communion, traditional Neiscian unification garments (for women, generally a long white robe, and for men, a suit or tuxedo is a rough approximation for the Grand Holy Flagoot-Schwindleir), and of course a phono-disc jockey.

Members of the Church can make yearly donations (tax-deductible of course). Being a humble organization, the Church of Syagrof Ygolot Neisc will only accept an amount which is roughly equivalent to what a pair of normal human beings might be able to save by filing their taxes jointly, or perhaps the cost of extending health care coverage to your true love partner of similitude.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS OF EQUALITY FOR ALL

Now then, in order for a certain demographic of individuals to revoke the powers of this religious institution, several things can happen. They can either revoke the powers of such similar religious institutions such as The Church of Scientology, or they can revoke the first amendment. If they revoke the former, then the world will be a better place. Should they attempt to do the latter, then we can at least simultaneously take away their right to say freely say stupid things on television and peacefully assemble and protest soldiers' funerals.

Of course, this does not attack the underlying issue, that the gay community just wants to be equal. Even though the Church can potentially offer benefits better than those of a traditional marriage, they community in questions does not wish to have different rights at all. They wish to enjoy the same rights as everyone else.

If you, or a loved one has found their true love partner of similitude and would like to join the Church, please write to us. We will now close with the traditional Neiscian prayer.

Our father Syagrof Ygolot Neisc
His name is our name
Our name is his
Better read backwards.

Praise be to Cheezums Kraist.
Praise be to the Son of Holla.
Practice good works.

Our love be one.
Our truth be many.
Our semantics be supreme.

And the timeless chimes of going-on go,
Joani loves Chachi,
Chachi, Chachi, Chachi.

F.A.Q.

1. Will you open the floodgates for man-beast marriages?

No.

2. Why do you insist on being an aberration to God?

These rights are granted by the same doctrine that allows you to spout your supposed moral high ground. If you wish to deny someone's freedom of expression, or in this case, religion, you must deny your own freedom to express your distaste of that expression that was instilled by your own free religion. Why do you insist on wearing white socks with slacks? I mean, really? Someone needs to liberate your fashion taste, girlfriend.

3. Eric, seriously. Are you gay?

No, although once a bi-sexual teenager tried to rape me.

4. Wait. Really?

Yeah. Thank goodness for memory repression, right?

5. Are you okay? When did this happen?

When did what happen?

6. In light of all that, you still support equal marriage rights?

You bet your unmolested ass I do. As the profit Syagrof maintains, we must be completely equal, without any exception. If we are to be saved, then the serial murderers be saved along with the saviors. If one is to be damned, then everyone shall share in his fate. We must have all rights allotted to us, or all have no rights. A man cannot play chess with checkers pieces.

7. What are good things/good works that the Church advocates?

It's a feeling. Start by buying a homeless person a loaf of bread. Use that as a benchmark and then practice, practice, practice.

8. What would you say to those people you are potentially offending by doing good works for people they deem evil or undeserving?

If you want to do good things, but only for those people you deem worthy, then at least half your efforts will be used up determining who is worthy. By deciding who is worthy first, you will not become a practitioner of good works, but a judge of mankind. You will become "better and better" at this judgement until you find fault with everyone and will resort to a very selfish existence. You will have rules, caveats, and exceptions. Your procedures for judgement will become more complicated and case by case trying to determine what is "fair." Like most bloggers and critics of art, these judges tend to be of very little use in the world. Just do good things indiscriminately for everyone. Don't make up your mind before all the facts are laid out before you. Take your time to absorb all the information. The thing about good answers is that they are usually the products of patience and critical thinking.

9. How much did you think about your little Church?

Very little.