Problem one is in the title. Turn on your DVR, look through the Tv guide channel, go to the A sections of the library, and you will find that many authors have learned that if you slap "American" before whatever noun your subject matter is, it immediately becomes more marketable to the marketing folks at the marketing firm. American Sex? Of course people would watch that. American Depraved Sex Acts Performed On or Around American Farm Animals? Twice as marketable. You get that farming market. That's a strong market. American Alien! Immigrant or UFO show? Doesn't matter. Great name. Put it on Fox, or Discovery.
There are lazy ones as well. The other day, I saw a documentary at the library entitled, "American Pickles." I watched Men In Black 3 instead. I don't really know who won that round.
But at least I have your attention.
America is synonymous with business. We let the free market choose the age our daughters break their hyman. The free market, in conjunction with people in their twenties, decided recently that Thursday was the new Friday, and the beer and morning after pill industries have never been happier.
The other day, as I walked home from a discouraging Superbowl party, I came across a true San Francisco treat. (See posted photos. This establishment is on Geary St.) At first I was mortified, then curious, followed by brief ecstasy and relief, and then re-mortified.
How oddly refreshing it was, to find a business establishment with enough gusto to pay rent in the bay area, and yet at the same time, display such an incredible amount of actual honesty. It is the YouTube sensation business model in action; the so-fake-it's-genuine advertising campaign of the twenty-first century; I think it has something to do with enlightenment.
Could it be possible that these Thai immigrants are so in tune with the American youth's sense of irony? Could they have quartered and established a niche market of young, postmodern thinking kids, who are actually okay with the possibility of being slapped upon entry?
I will be straight with you. I wanted to go in. I wanted to see what it was all about, and I wanted to talk to the brains behind the operation. I wanted to be told, "Yes, this was a marketing ploy, buy a t-shirt."
I would have bought the shirt.
But the possibility of becoming involved in some sort of Thai offshoot BDSM cult, or even getting naturally slapped was enough to deter my entrance.
I wish our businesses could operate like Face Slapping Natural. Wouldn't it be nice if Coke came out with an add that said, "Hi, this is coke. It's bad for your teeth, it can remove rust from a car bumper, and it will make you fatter than all Hell, but good luck getting rid of us. I'm sure Pepsi tastes great. See you everywhere you fucking go."
Here's how badly they've won: go to a party, open a can of seltzer water and count all the disappointed faces. Then mentally prepare yourself for the sugar you are totally expecting at this point, and try your best to pretend like you enjoy seltzer water.
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