Simple Start

Let's face it. We could all be better people. You could have told that guy that wasn't your real number. You could have told that girl you weren't actually going to call her. Thanks to certain modern existentialists (I'm looking at you Camus) there are an increasing number of individuals who find any and all systems of ethics as arbitrary chains brought on by the dead, designed to control the unwitting masses. The only problem is this: The masses are no longer unwitting. We argue dynamically now. Opinions are changeable so long as it opposes your opposition. A person rarely sticks to their guns the way they used to. We hold nothing to be absolutely true. Deontology is dead.

Before I grow old, and turn into one of those angry sandwich board wearing street-screamers, I thought I would give an honest American try at compiling a list of morals, ethics, and basic codes of conduct for the 21st century gentleman. Chivalry is not dead, it just needs redefinition. In all likelihood, getting people back to the days of June Cleaver, separate beds, and family dinner every night is going to be a tough task for a mostly unnoticed blog about morality. The goal of this is not to get people to stop masturbating, or watching porn, or screening phonecalls from grandma. The bar is going to be set quite low; low so that it begins with mass appeal and general like-ability. We don't want to alienate our audience, now do we?

philosophically speaking, the writers of this blog will not jump into the debate of utilitarianism (greatest good, for the greatest number of people) vs. deontology (some things are just fucking good because they fucking are). Instead, the collective of the Educationally Independent will prescribe to Virtue Ethics, (Practice of good works) and build a better tomorrow, full of people who don't Eiffel Tower each other's little sisters.

But today, we begin with something that will seem quite easy to any California-born, middle-class, liberal.

Lesson One:
Tomorrow morning, wake up as you would any other morning, and carry on with your day as though it was any other day. The only thing you are not allowed to do, is kill someone. Shouldn't be to hard right? No matter what happens, don't murder anything. This probably seems really easy to most of you, but on a global scale, we as humanity seem to find this task quite difficult. Last year, there were 1.8 million emergency room visits in the USA resulting from assault. That's almost 5000 failed murders. The actual number of confirmed homicides was 16,259; nearly 45 a day; almost two an hour. Ever watch a typical episode of CSI? The time it takes for a show about murdering to finish (roughly 42 minutes) is more time than America needs to actually murder someone.

Why not declare a national "Don't Murder Anyone" holiday? Yes, Congress has been a floppy dick these past few years, but do you really think they are capable of taking a political dump on a day of no killing?

Don't answer that.

But in preparation for the future No-Murder Day, (America desperately needs a holiday in Spring that isn't about nailing pacifists to trees) I'm going to give you some scenarios in which you may be tempted to break out your murder sticks. When presented with each scenario, please read aloud the statement and finish with, "I will not murder them."

1. If I went into work tomorrow, and found that my boss had an affair with [your significant other/pet], and then fired me the same day while wearing the [article of clothing] your [significant other] had left in their [german sedan]...
2. If I found out my child was not only [consuming your personal favorite form of inebriation], but that he/she was [consuming your personal supply of previously mentioned substance]...
3. If I came home to find my spouse's [appendage] lodged deep inside my neighbor's [orifice]...
4. If I came home to find my neighbor's [appendage] stuffed up my spouse's fat [orifice]...
5. If my neighbor gave my spouse a [your favorite color][your favorite ice cream flavor][moon of Jupiter] in their [orifice]..."
6. If you are from Baltimore, and the 49ers won, and then Beyonce came back out, sat on Kaepernick's face and sang "We Are The Champion's"...
7. If I have had children in general, I promise...
8. (this is a tough one) If my child was killed and consumed by the Raven's kick returner...
9. If I met Taylor Swift's family...
10. If Godzilla rose from the Pacific, went to your house and said, "Hey, let's be best friends. Get on my back, I'm going to get you a pizza, a six pack of Stout, and we're going bowling." Godzilla reveals his life story to you, how after generations of destruction and madness, he just wants to settle down, live on the beach and try to make his seashell necklace business work. In the sunset, he confides that his whole life has been about trying to get the rage out of his system, and only now (through tears and whispers) does he realize that life is about cultivating kindness and joy from within, and only then will the anger leave, replaced by warm forgiveness and understanding. Then the army appears over the horizon, and shoots him in the head. In his dying breath, Godzilla tells you to tell his story, and as he dies the army soldiers begin to sodomize his corpse, leaving their rifles right by you...

You seem well prepared. As an arbitrary date, let's choose March 12th, 2013 as the first national No-Murder day, so if you are set on killing someone, do it now.