Lesson Four: Have Faith. Talk to Strangers

This is not a plea to find faith in God, but in mankind. This lesson should also not be heeded by small children, the elderly, or the extremely gullible.

Let's start on a very basic level. We seem to fear each other these days. We carry and project dozens of assumptions and judgments on one another everyday on an unconscious level. Why is it so outlandish, so strange, and so unorthodox to talk to people these days?

This article is being written on a smartphone, the poster-child, and scapegoat for the consequences of today's technologically driven youth. On many levels, it is understandable why a young woman today would want to power-walk to work with headphones and sunglasses. Getting hit on at seven in the morning is unpleasant. However, the disconnect seems rash, if not excessive. God forbid this has actually happened, but in "worst-case-scenario-world", those headphones may have prevented little miss pretty from hearing someone call out, "LOOK OUT FOR THAT HALF-MONGOLIAN, HALF-ROMULAN RAPIST RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

On another level, technology helps us deal with the stresses of modern life. There exists today, a small demographic of individuals who, had it not been for the revolutionary smart-phone game "Angry Birds," would have slipped into a deep depression and killed themselves. Humanity is inspiring in that way: a small flick of a finger across a digital matrix can simulate bird-flying freedom and destructive power over a pig-run, power-structure; creating the illusion that one is in control over the corporate (piggy) institutions they subject themselves to.

That being said, those individuals may have also found similar comfort in other human beings, perhaps their human resources agent, a therapist, or a friend.

The point being (and a commonly expressed point it is): We are disconnected from one another. This is unfortunate, and there is another way. A way that came so naturally and necessarily to our grandparents who didn't have Amazon and Google Maps.

When we go out for walks, even in urban areas, how often are we confronted with a bloody street-fight, or a mugging? Yes, the San Francisco Bay Area is one of the friendliest places in the world, so there may be some operational bias, but we are not a far removed utopia by any merit. In the first post, a figure was quoted in regards to assaults taking place in the United States: 1.8 million in 2012. That may seem like a lot, and we could probably do better, but keep in mind that this is a nation of about three hundred million people. In fact, the portion of the population who actually committed an assault (assuming that each assault was carried out by a separate individual) comes to about half of one percentage point. While this is a crude and unrefined means of calculating human decency, what this indicates is that, for the most part, humanity is comprised of decent people.

Yes, we should be weary of that slim minority of harmers, but do not let that one rotten apple in two hundred be reason for you to never say, "Hi, I like your tie," or "You made me one helluva sandwich! Thank you!"

Even if you do draw the short straw when dishing out compliments to strangers, even if it is the deranged, angry person with a long history of violence; odds are, they are not going to make you their next victim because you complimented them on their attire, or pointed out how nice of a day it was. What will provoke them is if we treat them like dirty, disgusting, inhuman criminals. They will fill the role society prescribes them. When was the last time you read in the news, "Woman killed by homeless man after giving change?" It doesn't happen.

We should talk to one another more. The great thing about talking to strangers is that because you are never going to see them again, you can tell them the God's honest truth, without worrying about, "Well what if she tells Tammy, who's roommates with Alex, who has tea every week with Alan who might tell Phil?"

Strangers, being objective observers into our lives, can offer the best advice. They have no motives, unless they are that one percent of creeps, but in all honesty, it's fairly easy to read when that is the case. You will know if someone is trying to take a run at you. You just have to have faith in your own instincts.

When we speak to each other, as passing travelers on the same bizarre ride of life, focus on the things in life that move us forward. Ask about passions. Try to discern what things or ideas the stranger on the train believes can make the world better. Talk about the problems presented in the day's paper, and the little things we can do to ease the pain and promote progress.

If you have that discussion with that person, they will go home to their loved ones and in talking about the nuances of their day, you, and the discussion you had will naturally arise and the notions of goodness and passion relapses and propagates.

And tell jokes.

Two snowman are standing in a field. After a long silence, one snowman says, "Yeah, no, I smell carrots too..."

Lesson Three: Forgive Me Wartortle, For Pidgey has Sandstorm

I'll say it. God is a Negative Nancy. See ya religious demographic, it's been fun.

If you take a look at the Ten Commandments, a book of moral standards sent down from God to Moses, you will find that outside of having one God, and honoring your mom and pop, they are all phrased in the negative. Don't kill. Don't steal. Don't fuck the neighbor lady. This is a basic standard of morality that most of us can live up to easily. The result: Certain folks find it perfectly acceptable to give a crappy loan when they are aware of the likelihood of foreclosure and are counting on it. It isn't really stealing. It isn't really fucking your neighbor. It's an in-between that God didn't feel inclined to include for a bunch of Jews roaming the desert.

It is of the Educationally Independent's opinion, that we should no longer hold the standard of goodness to a list of atrocities a person hasn't committed, but to advance a list of principles and guidelines that an everyday morally-driven person should commit.

It is no longer adequate to simply say, "don't litter, litterbug." We should teach our citizens to proactively clean up their neighborhoods.

"Hey there handsome. Good job picking up those cigarette butts. Thanks for making this a nicer place to be. Have a churro."

Be positive about the active, instead of diminishing the negative.

The most important act we can do for one another is forgive. It is also the hardest thing. Personally, the author of this article is terrible at it. Holding grudges is a completely logical and reasonable thing to do. A grudge is a visceral bodily reminder that an individual or individuals either mean you harm, or do not care about your well being. Evolutionarily, they make perfect sense. It's a part of conditioning.

But being able to move yourself beyond that primal instinct for vengeance is one of the greatest and most important things the people of my generation can do. There will come a day when the bankers and financial institutions on wall street will be brought to justice for what they've done. I have faith that as corruption flourishes it will naturally expose itself, and the masses will have their say. There will come a day when the coin flips and many business ventures in America will lean towards unionized work, and working co-ops. When that day comes, and the corporate institutions start stripping themselves down until it really is the last man standing, there will be that moment when an out of work financial advisor, or stock trader will walk into a cab driver co-op looking for work to feed his family. I have faith that we as a people would be okay with putting those Americans to work. I have faith that we can look past what they've done out of a deluded desire to appease their fathers, and look towards what honest, hard work they are capable of.

Holding a grudge is like making Squirtle withdraw, Pidgey use sandstorm, or Metapod harden over and over again. It is at its core, a self-serving and unproductive action. It will not stop another assault from happening, but perhaps raise your awareness or deaden the impact slightly. Eventually, one must evolve or prepare the hydro pump to proactively deal with the issue at hand. Please do not misinterpret this analogy and think I am encouraging you to solve your problems with water cannons. They tried that during the civil rights movement to no avail.

Penetrating A Virgin's Mind

I'm not a virgin. I won't go into the gory details, but I felt as though that my word wouldn't be as valid as a genuine abstinent individual's. In my desire to talk about this, I felt as though I should use the opinions and words of an individual who chose a chaste lifestyle based on a personal choice, as opposed to a religious obligation; in the same way that I feel as though biblical codes of morality give people an excuse to judge the ethics based on the institution promoting it. There are of course, people out there who are waiting until marriage, who happen to be out of their goddamn minds on their own merit; people who say they are holding off for the sake of their religion, but are probably just trying to make themselves more sexually appealing through a shroud of mystery or purity in light of their very real, definite, and obvious insanity.

This is not to say that the religious are insane, but speaking as a believer in God, I will make not only the admission that there are a lot of mentally unstable, gun toting, religious freaks from New Fanning, Dakota, and other corners of the globe, who pick the most bizarre things to protest, (funerals of fallen soldiers, victims of hate crimes) who kill in the name of pacifists, and self-destruct like a tackled and tail-wagged Voltorb, but also the admission that in light of today's scientific data, and the wide eye of media detailing the actions of the aforementioned freaks, it does take a splash of insanity to address oneself as a good honest God fearing individual.

The Educationally Independent would like to introduce you to the Anonymous Abstinent. She is a normal American. She likes working on old cars, and fixes bicycles. With a B.A in political science, Anonymous Abstinent is now heading back to community college for an A.S after working for non-profit organizations here in the Bay Area. We've known each other since we were high school freshmen, sharing a history class with a horrible woman who tried to join military, but was denied entry due to, in her words, "a chemical imbalance in her brain." I chose to speak with her for this article, not because of her California-based, middle-class, liberal, non-religious upbringing, but because she is literally the only virgin I know. We chose the vowel based alias Anonymous Abstinent, not out of shame for chastity, but because I had fully intended on asking some rather graphic, offensive questions for the sake of humor. As the discussion progressed however, I did actually back out of saying one. Because I wrote the questions before the talk occurred, the first question that appears in the interview was actually asked towards the end. We met in her home town, originally going to her house in the hills, but then opting for a coffee shop once I revealed the nature of some of the questions I was going to ask. Her parents were at home. Her mother offered me a bag of dried lemons.

Over coffee and Sour Patch Watermelons, we spoke for over an hour. Much of the meaningful discussion wasn't recorded as I am not that quick of a typist, and only tried to keep up on questions that I had prepared. We spoke about morality, why I was doing the blog, and the general state of ethics in our community and generation. Eventually, we were joined by another good friend, went bowling and got good and drunk. Hopefully, I will become a faster typist as time passes and I can record the spoken word more accurately, but here is my discussion with The Anonymous Abstinent regarding virginity in the twenty-first century.

***

EI: How's your hymen? Intact?

AA: You know thats a funny one. I fainted when I put my first tampon in at age 12 and a half. I'm wondering if thats when it broke. I'm pretty sure its gone, but I think it went with the feinting tampon, or from all the biking I've done. I've had some painful biking bumps, so you can't send me off to a prince of some Arab country (not offensive, she is of this ethnic background) where they check my hymen. No dowry. Shit won't bleed. I wonder if they still do that anywhere...

EI: You're 24. You're not an unattractive individual. You were not raised in a radically religious household, yet you have managed to not cash in your V card while still engaging in serious relationships What has stopped you from having sex all these years?

AA: I think it's my own morals that my parents instilled in me. Sometimes, I have this dichotomy where I regret it a lot but at the same time I'm glad I haven't given it away. Obviously it's something that everyone wants to do, but everyone wants to save it for a reason. I just hadn't found someone I trusted. That's the biggest thing I'm waiting for, because I was definitely pressured.

EI: When you say you were pressured, how did you deflect the onslaught of spermatozoa?

AA: Doing other things in that nature, and being lucky enough to have boyfriends who would date me and be so sexually frustrated the whole time. They were understanding; we would talk about it. I would say I wasn't ready, which I wasn't. There was only one when it was a problem, which was in high school. Otherwise it's never been a problem. Other than the sexual frustration that I can only imagine.

EI: You don't feel sexually frustrated then?

AA: Oh big time are you kidding me? I'm a woman with hormones.

EI: What overrides the hormones?

AA: I'm just waiting for the right guy. I don't want to get an STD. I have too many friends with those. I'm looking for someone that I can grow sexually with. I'm not waiting until marriage. I haven't found anyone. I value my virginity a lot.

EI: What kept you from having sex in high school with your serious boyfriend?

AA: That relationship... it wasn't meant to happen. It was just a feeling. We weren't mature as a couple. When you're not seeing each-other very much, dinners involve parents most of the time. I'm not quite sure I've ever been in love. I'm not sure that matters, but in all my relationships that have involved sexual acts, it has always been a factor. That has had a factor in my choice. My partners have had more feelings, so if I engaged in a sexual relations it would have made things too emotional. I feel like a man when I say that. It usually seems like its the other way around. I think its important that girls don't sleep around. I'm glad I waited because hopefully when I do have sex, it'll be really good. Hopefully.

EI: How do people react when they find out you're still a virgin?

AA: Terrified. They're shocked. They don't believe me. Men think it's weird. Some think it's inspiring, but that's mainly when they're religious. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get fucked. It definitely sets another standard by which they can judge me. When you say virgin, a lot of other adjectives and assumptions come to mind. "What's wrong with her? Why hasn't it happened yet?" Especially with a girl who isn't overweight, or terribly demented, there's an assumption that theres something wrong.

EI: Is it something you are proud of, or embarrassed by?

AA: As stated before, there's a dichotomy. Now that I've become older it's going to be hard to get over it. I just want to make sure I don't regret it.

EI: Can I give you a Blue Strawberry Callisto in the bathroom? (This is the question I couldn't bring myself to ask. If you're confused, see "Simple Start" for context)

AA: (no response)

EI: What advice would you give for current high school girls, or college students who are hesitant about having sex?

AA: Just make sure it's meaningful. I'm not saying to wait until you're married, but don't do anything too fast. If the guy likes you that much, he can wait. I made a guy wait two and a half years, and I dumped him.

EI: You are literally the only lady virgin I know. How does that make you feel?

AA: other than... I don't know. Nothing? No different than the rest... I'm definitely an outlier, especially in a big city. Will this article get me laid?

EI: No. You're anonymous. When the time comes what position would you start with?

AA: Start: missionary. Finish: I'm not sure. Hopefully it's rough and up against the wall at first.

EI: Do you feel as though more girls should hold off?

AA: I don't think it's a fact of holding off, it's a matter of when you're ready; to know it's what you want to do, and know its the person you want to do it with. As long as you don't regret doing it, there's not a problem doing it. I also never got drunk in high school. That may be why I never had sex.

I will definitely update you when it happens. You can have a follow-up.

***

So there you have it. Not as punchy and full of one-liners as I had originally intended, but an honest discussion. I actually couldn't have imagined it going any better. I get discouraged quite often, when I think about the future of my generation, so it was nice hearing from other people who believe in things, anything really; not the affirmation of chaos and nothingness, but of substance, and order. For Anonymous Abstinent, it was the value system of her parents. For myself, it is the conviction that every individual has a room in their hearts for infinite self-improvement.

I recently watched President Jimmy Carter's "crisis of confidence speech," (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/primary-resources/carter-crisis/) in which he made a plea with the people to have confidence in America once more; how the American people had become so disconnected with their government. It seems as though that disconnect has travelled deeper into the hearts and minds of today's generation, in which they have not only disconnected from their nation, and their brethren, but that they have begun to disconnect from themselves.

We can all find discouragement in how easily today's young minds can deconstruct a belief system. Empowering up to a point, many have still yet to realize the dire bleakness that lies behind those veils and stories of arks, voids, and angels, still too intoxicated by their own intellectual prowess. It occurs in more practical matters as well. If you will for a moment, stretch back your memories a few years to the time when the YouTube documentary about an African dictator/war general who utilized child soldiers came out. They played it all over college campuses and a real movement was in the making. For the life of me I cannot remember the name. Zulu? (After sleeping, drinking five cups of coffee and consulting the internet: Kony 2012)

It wasn't long until the filmmaker (Jason Russell) was accused of over-simplification, and sensationalism for using his own child as a ploy within the film for aesthetic purposes, painting himself as a hero. We focused on the organization head (Russell) eventually going mad and masturbating whilst nude in the street. (Interfering with traffic, and screaming incoherently. Hurrah fact checking, hurrah!) I hate how that's actually all I really remember.

There are more potent examples as well. Manbearpig springs to mind. This was a creation of Matt Stone and Trey Parker in light of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." To be fair, the episode does end with the revelation that like climate change, Manbearpig is a reality, but what stays in most people's minds is how "thuper cereal" Al Gore was.

Deconstruction, like a jackhammer, is a powerful tool, but be mindful how you use it. (The Educationally Independent assails your postmodern beliefs, only because it cares) I have yet to see someone take an ironic shit on Ghandi or Dr. King, and if they have please refrain from enlightening me, but I'm fairly positive that the Buddha, Jesus, Moses and Mohammad didn't fully anticipate or prepare for the might of hipsters and the meme.

Anonymous Abstinent and I finished our discussion on whether or not we each had faith for humanity. It's so easy to have none. It's probably a more logical choice. But what good does it do you to have no faith that the state of the union, the world, your countrymen, and that you, cannot be any better? What good does it do a person to believe that we are what we are, and we will be as we will be; that some people are and forever will be wretched and without hope; that we are more or less, a civilised beast in differentiated states of control over our inate and animalistic nature? The answer: It is an easier way to live. You are right and smug in tragedy, instead of disappointed or heartbroken. It helps the morally opaque sleep at night. It fixates an individual into differnt shades of gray, clinging to an ever darkening sense of relativity. It's playing solitaire on one-draw and no timer. It's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. It can be a lot of fun when you figure it out, but it ruins the reward at game's end.

There has been too much heart-felt appeals, semantics and rhetoric in this post for it to appeal to anyone in their twenties...

A family walks into a talent agency and says, "Boy, do we have an act for you!" The talent agent replies, "Well what sort of act do you have?"

The husband steps forward, snaps his suspenders and says, "It's a family act featuring myself, my wife Ann, my folks Granny Jen and Papa Dave, the unisex triplets, Avery, Taylor, and Alex, and of course our dog, Bones. Sit back, and enjoy."

Lesson Two: Donate Change

Times are tough, but this is something we can all do. (All being those with means to pay for internet access)

Personally, I find carrying change to be annoying. It's always jangling around in your pocket like a Pitbull song, getting in the way of your keys, and scratching your phone cover. Rule of thumb: If you own a car, you should not be carrying nickels, pennies and dimes. There is someone out on the street who needs it way more than you. Even if he/she smokes crack and tells you he/she is going to buy crack with your change, even if they are really rude about it, you should still give it to them because their life is and will most likely forever will be much, much worse than yours.

My mother and father don't give change to the homeless on the basis of, "it doesn't really solve the problem." (My dad does have a soft spot for women and the blind, but my mom, despite being a doctor who swore to do no harm as a medical professional, can be kind of a callous woman and prefers to also do no good while she's off-duty) They're right in some sense. That guy will probably buy a little bag of Cheeto's or maybe a lighter to burn crack instead of using it as a downpayment towards a house, or finally starting that Roth IRA, but perhaps if we were more inclined to donate more than sixteen cents at a time, three times around the holidays, the homeless would have more optimism towards their life prospects.

I don't read The Street Spirit, but I do take it sometimes when I stop and talk to Jasper (or maybe it's Lester, I can't really remember). He is the kind old man with foil teeth outside the Walgreens on Polk St. right by Nick's Crispy Taco's. Sure, I usually buy him an orange soda, but what always gets me is that this guy is constantly smiling, and giving away the paper. Yes, a homeless person... giving things away. Got that? Let's go over it one more time. He has foil teeth. He is full of smiles. He has no home. He gives shit away.

I'm not all that good at reading people, but I'm not autistic. This guy has a good heart, and is not trying to scheme a fortune out of this newspaper charity act.

Maybe you're like me though, and you hate carrying cash around. That is completely understandable. I don't like using ATMs, knowing how many nose-picking, pee-dabbing, ass-wiping fingers have pushed those buttons. I find the convenience of the VISA card irresistible. So if you never carry change here is an amended lesson two: When you buy something from Safeway or Walgreens and it asks you to round up to the nearest dollar for cancer research, or for hurricane victims, round up. It will make your bank statements so much easier to look at, and you Californians can pretend like you live in a great state like Oregon who won't sell you something on the dollar menu for $1.09. And if you find Oregon unacceptable, buy the cheeseburger donate sixteen cents to a homeless man, and dry your socks for twenty-one minutes. That's two dollars well spent.

Another way around the "I don't want them to use it towards drugs argument" is that you can offer to buy them a taco, a small order of fries, or some sort of confection outside of the fast food joint they have stationed themselves outside of. But I understand, you're very busy. You have places to go, and you don't want to feed the fast food industry because you just watched Food Inc, Fast Food Nation, or Super Size Me. You'll have to learn to pick your battles, sure. But you should at least pick one. Personally, I'm a people person. If Dr. McDonald can stuff 500 calories in a $1 burger that you can keep unrefrigerated in your pocket for two weeks, then God bless Dr. McDonald.

American Honesty

      American Honesty

      Problem one is in the title. Turn on your DVR, look through the Tv guide channel, go to the A sections of the library, and you will find that many authors have learned that if you slap "American" before whatever noun your subject matter is, it immediately becomes more marketable to the marketing folks at the marketing firm. American Sex? Of course people would watch that.  American Depraved Sex Acts Performed On or Around American Farm Animals? Twice as marketable. You get that farming market. That's a strong market. American Alien! Immigrant or UFO show? Doesn't matter. Great name. Put it on Fox, or Discovery.

    There are lazy ones as well. The other day, I saw a documentary at the library entitled, "American Pickles." I watched Men In Black 3 instead. I don't really know who won that round.

     But at least I have your attention.

     America is synonymous with business. We let the free market choose the age our daughters break their hyman. The free market, in conjunction with people in their twenties, decided recently that Thursday was the new Friday, and the beer and morning after pill industries have never been happier.

      The other day, as I walked home from a discouraging Superbowl party, I came across a true San Francisco treat. (See posted photos. This establishment is on Geary St.) At first I was mortified, then curious, followed by brief ecstasy and relief, and then re-mortified.

How oddly refreshing it was, to find a business establishment with enough gusto to pay rent in the bay area, and yet at the same time, display such an incredible amount of actual honesty. It is the YouTube sensation business model in action; the so-fake-it's-genuine advertising campaign of the twenty-first century; I think it has something to do with enlightenment.

      Could it be possible that these Thai immigrants are so in tune with the American youth's sense of irony? Could they have quartered and established a niche market of young, postmodern thinking kids, who are actually okay with the possibility of being slapped upon entry?

      I will be straight with you. I wanted to go in. I wanted to see what it was all about, and I wanted to talk to the brains behind the operation. I wanted to be told, "Yes, this was a marketing ploy, buy a t-shirt."

I would have bought the shirt.

      But the possibility of becoming involved in some sort of Thai offshoot BDSM cult, or even getting naturally slapped was enough to deter my entrance.

      I wish our businesses could operate like Face Slapping Natural. Wouldn't it be nice if Coke came out with an add that said, "Hi, this is coke. It's bad for your teeth, it can remove rust from a car bumper, and it will make you fatter than all Hell, but good luck getting rid of us. I'm sure Pepsi tastes great. See you everywhere you fucking go."

     Here's how badly they've won: go to a party, open a can of seltzer water and count all the disappointed faces. Then mentally prepare yourself for the sugar you are totally expecting at this point, and try your best to pretend like you enjoy seltzer water.

Simple Start

Let's face it. We could all be better people. You could have told that guy that wasn't your real number. You could have told that girl you weren't actually going to call her. Thanks to certain modern existentialists (I'm looking at you Camus) there are an increasing number of individuals who find any and all systems of ethics as arbitrary chains brought on by the dead, designed to control the unwitting masses. The only problem is this: The masses are no longer unwitting. We argue dynamically now. Opinions are changeable so long as it opposes your opposition. A person rarely sticks to their guns the way they used to. We hold nothing to be absolutely true. Deontology is dead.

Before I grow old, and turn into one of those angry sandwich board wearing street-screamers, I thought I would give an honest American try at compiling a list of morals, ethics, and basic codes of conduct for the 21st century gentleman. Chivalry is not dead, it just needs redefinition. In all likelihood, getting people back to the days of June Cleaver, separate beds, and family dinner every night is going to be a tough task for a mostly unnoticed blog about morality. The goal of this is not to get people to stop masturbating, or watching porn, or screening phonecalls from grandma. The bar is going to be set quite low; low so that it begins with mass appeal and general like-ability. We don't want to alienate our audience, now do we?

philosophically speaking, the writers of this blog will not jump into the debate of utilitarianism (greatest good, for the greatest number of people) vs. deontology (some things are just fucking good because they fucking are). Instead, the collective of the Educationally Independent will prescribe to Virtue Ethics, (Practice of good works) and build a better tomorrow, full of people who don't Eiffel Tower each other's little sisters.

But today, we begin with something that will seem quite easy to any California-born, middle-class, liberal.

Lesson One:
Tomorrow morning, wake up as you would any other morning, and carry on with your day as though it was any other day. The only thing you are not allowed to do, is kill someone. Shouldn't be to hard right? No matter what happens, don't murder anything. This probably seems really easy to most of you, but on a global scale, we as humanity seem to find this task quite difficult. Last year, there were 1.8 million emergency room visits in the USA resulting from assault. That's almost 5000 failed murders. The actual number of confirmed homicides was 16,259; nearly 45 a day; almost two an hour. Ever watch a typical episode of CSI? The time it takes for a show about murdering to finish (roughly 42 minutes) is more time than America needs to actually murder someone.

Why not declare a national "Don't Murder Anyone" holiday? Yes, Congress has been a floppy dick these past few years, but do you really think they are capable of taking a political dump on a day of no killing?

Don't answer that.

But in preparation for the future No-Murder Day, (America desperately needs a holiday in Spring that isn't about nailing pacifists to trees) I'm going to give you some scenarios in which you may be tempted to break out your murder sticks. When presented with each scenario, please read aloud the statement and finish with, "I will not murder them."

1. If I went into work tomorrow, and found that my boss had an affair with [your significant other/pet], and then fired me the same day while wearing the [article of clothing] your [significant other] had left in their [german sedan]...
2. If I found out my child was not only [consuming your personal favorite form of inebriation], but that he/she was [consuming your personal supply of previously mentioned substance]...
3. If I came home to find my spouse's [appendage] lodged deep inside my neighbor's [orifice]...
4. If I came home to find my neighbor's [appendage] stuffed up my spouse's fat [orifice]...
5. If my neighbor gave my spouse a [your favorite color][your favorite ice cream flavor][moon of Jupiter] in their [orifice]..."
6. If you are from Baltimore, and the 49ers won, and then Beyonce came back out, sat on Kaepernick's face and sang "We Are The Champion's"...
7. If I have had children in general, I promise...
8. (this is a tough one) If my child was killed and consumed by the Raven's kick returner...
9. If I met Taylor Swift's family...
10. If Godzilla rose from the Pacific, went to your house and said, "Hey, let's be best friends. Get on my back, I'm going to get you a pizza, a six pack of Stout, and we're going bowling." Godzilla reveals his life story to you, how after generations of destruction and madness, he just wants to settle down, live on the beach and try to make his seashell necklace business work. In the sunset, he confides that his whole life has been about trying to get the rage out of his system, and only now (through tears and whispers) does he realize that life is about cultivating kindness and joy from within, and only then will the anger leave, replaced by warm forgiveness and understanding. Then the army appears over the horizon, and shoots him in the head. In his dying breath, Godzilla tells you to tell his story, and as he dies the army soldiers begin to sodomize his corpse, leaving their rifles right by you...

You seem well prepared. As an arbitrary date, let's choose March 12th, 2013 as the first national No-Murder day, so if you are set on killing someone, do it now.